Having enough testicular fortitude to live a bohogan.com approved lifestyle is indeed a difficult endeavor. Whether at home or on the road there are plenty of opportunities to lapse into a mundane existence. This particular blog will focus on some crucial work elements of a bohogan.com lifestyle. The key is focus and discipline and the confidence to know you can step your game up and achieve that balance or lack there of that typifies what we lifestyle consultants strive for on a daily basis, 100% unfiltered, non-watered down, non-subtle, top of the mountain screaming, heavy breath and powerful thrust making awesomeness where you maximize each and every opportunity to live the most fun life known to man or woman.
Now that I've got you properly motivated, ala Carl the "Gym Guy", its time to introduce the new topic. This topic is for those working people out there who struggle to keep their head up and eyes open during presentations and meetings at work. Anyone who works in an office, has at some time participated in an all day meeting in a conference room with several co-workers, going over strategy or covering critical topics. These meetings are often "off-site" in some location or another and everyone travels in to attend. Some people look forward to these meetings as you get to meet other employees and brown nose with superiors. Others see the benefit of being face to face in a collaborative setting working together and sharing ideas. We at bohogan.com see this type of meeting as a prime setting to demonstrate just exactly what a bo hogan lifestyle is and impress upon others that this isn't your first rodeo and like a hooker in a casino you mean business. If you follow the well thought out tips below, we can guarantee that not only will you dominate these off-site business meetings but you also will set yourself up for lasting success in your job. Your bosses and co-workers will be so impressed that I'm pretty sure they will start throwing money at you like your a well tanned oily stripper in a downtown Atlanta club. If your bosses and co-workers are not impressed, then obviously they don't appreciate talent and probably have never even been to a gentlemens establishment where your senses are brightly aware and the beer tastes like nectar and everything else smells like cotton candy. Where "Pour Some Sugar on Me" floods out of the jukebox like a rampaging river, treating your ears to a white water ride that you'll never forget. Where your hands sting from high fiving your buddies after you've successfully arranged for the fat girl to hit the VIP room with the bachelor. Ah yes, God bless those women and club owners for what they do. Wait, now where was I...................oh yes, we have just entered the Algonquin room in the office tower on West 48th St. downtown (insert big city and corporate headquarter). (Editors note: Tom Hammer mentons hookers and strippers in an opening blog paragraph, yes we are aware, and he is seeking therapy)
1.) Make sure you arrive somewhat late, or late enough so that most of the other people have began to gather and are taking their seats in the room. Make sure you have your blue tooth on (you have a free pass from normal ridicule (see Mailbag #1) and as you enter start screaming at the top of your lungs, "BUY....SELL....SHORT IT.... BUY, BUY, BUY, BUY, SELL..... BUY!" This will impress everyone. After you turn off the phone, mouth to the guy next to you, "Asian markets just closed!"
2.) Make sure you appropriately dress down for the meeting. If you know its casual, take it the next level with a Hawaiian shirt or some type of mock turtle neck. If you know its formal and everyone will wear suits, make sure you wear a sport coat over your mock turtle next with jeans or khaki's. The purpose is to stand out and make sure everyone knows you walk to the beat of your own drum. Don't be afraid to accessorize. Loud watches, shoe laces and gold chains are permitted.
3.) Staying hydrated during these sessions is crucial and what you hydrate yourself with is of the utmost importance. Everyone else will hover around the coffee pot or box of coffee prior to the meeting, trying to be all sophisticated, talking about how the coffee in their office is crap and how when they were on vacation they had the best expresso and ladi f'ing da. Coffee is for amateurs so you need to equip yourself with the latest portfolio of super ginseng infused energy drinks. To show diversity, I suggest you start with a 16 oz. mountain dew just to show them you can go old school caffeine in a blink. You also need to come with a three pack of the 5-hour energy drinks which will come in handy throughout the day as they can be strategically used (see further down). Lastly, get one of those super sized 20oz cans of Rock Star or Monster energy drink. Line up all your fluids in front of your laptop or notebook on your desk like trophies in the entrance to a school gymnasium. Make sure everyone sees your prized portfolio and knows that you mean business. If anyone comments on the ghastly array of super charged soda's, make sure you respond loudly about how you were up all night the night before. Talk about how you left the hotel bar where everyone else was socializing to line up the hottest club in the city where you partied until dawn. Maybe throw in that you drank red bull and vodka all night so you felt it appropriate to continue it into the meeting. Not one hint of sarcasm should be added to your speech.
4.) Once the meeting starts, settle in and surf the internet for the first hour or so while they go through the mechanics of the session and some guy blathers on during the opening remarks. Constantly elbow the person sitting next to you and point at your screen where you'll be displaying hilarious youtube videos streaming "not for work" content. Take down that mountain dew in large chugs, and make loud noises to draw attention to yourself. Roll your eyes, take off your shoes and prop your dogs up on the conference room table. Being relaxed is key in a business meeting.
5.) The first bio break will come an hour or so into the meeting as everyone will need to drain the coffee. Use that time to walk around the building and get acclimated to the setting. Stop and flirt with every girl that walks by or occupies a desk. When everyone gets back into the room, storm in and ask loudly, "whats the girls name down in accounting...jeez.....she's got a body!" or "Melissa in marketing is smoking hot, anybody know her extension number!" You get the point. The main goal is to be sure that everyone is aware that your game and libido doesn't stop because you are at work. This ain't no summer job. You pimp for a living!!!!
6.) The next key is to make sure that you take a dominant role in the meeting. Regardless of the topic, challenge anyone that is trying to make a point or advocate strategy. Cut people off before they can finish, and say stuff like, "I don't know what that dude is talking about....what's your name?? Chip?? well Chip, you are dead wrong here and I'm fixing to tell you why." In your explanations use a lot of big words, even if you don't know what they mean. If people try to interject or counter your points just keep talking louder even if you have to yell. Pound your fists on the table to make your points . Verbal sparring is a good thing in the office and everyone will know that you mean no disrespect. In fact, use that to start your interruptions, "Nothing personal or no disrespect" followed by something personal and disrespectful.
7.) Last but not least, anytime you get bored during the meeting or you disagree with a topic, get out one of the 5 hour energy drinks and toast the room and then chug it back and slam it down. Make a witty statement like, "it's like oxygen for living things". You can also use these drinks to liven up the room too. Toss the guest speaker one if his presentation gets boring, or offer it under the table to people sitting around you and express that this is some highly illegal confidential sh*t. The bottom line here is, drink enough and share enough 5 hour energy drinks to induce panic attacks and then sit back and enjoy the chaos that ensues.
[Editors Note, Carl has chosen to withhold his last name due to what he calls a persistent threat to his identity. We asked Carl, Strongman and (Non)certified Bodybuilding Enthusiast, to give us some strength & conditioning advice. Carl doesn't actually own a computer or know how to send emails. What follows are a series of voice mails left on Tom Hammer's answering machine.]
Hi This is Tom Hammer........you know what to do...(sly wink and a gun not captured in message)- BEEP
"Whether you're looking to enter bodybuilding competitions or merely add some bulk muscle, it's time to separate fact from fiction in the weight room. Normally I would charge up to $250/hour to share these secrets, so take some freakin' notes. That skinny-necked Tom Hammer's been bustin' my balls to answer his fitness Q & As, so while I'm sittin' here in traffic, here goes:
Q: Which gym should I join?
A: You wanna look for a place that's got plenty o' free weights and that don't beef if ya use chalk to grip the bars. And tests show that kick-ass rock music boosts metabolism. So find a joint that only plays the best rock music, Foghat, Thin Lizzie, Emerson Lake & Pamer. The classics.
Q: What should I wear to the gym?
A: Got any Under Armour gear? Throw it in the freakin' trash can. Physical strength is 50% attitude (see below for full percentage breakdown), so when you look in the mirror you don't want to see some pansy that oughtta be playin' tennis. Ya wanna get a shirt that's a few sizes small and then cut off the sleeves. Let the lats breathe. The shirt should look like you could fight a bear at a moment's notice. And always wear a weight belt, even if you're just doin' cardio. And only fags do cardio. It's a fact. You can look it up. And bring a pair of black gloves in case ya run out of chalk. [Ed. note: Bohogan.com doesn't endorse any of the comments around sexual orientation]
Q: Should I get a personal trainer?
A: Only if ya wanna look retarded. Best thing to do is just ask for a spotter, even if da person is on a treadmill or talking to someone else, just let 'em know ya need some help in the squat rack.
Q: What's the best hour-long workout for the upper and lower body?
A: You just made yourself sound like a complete idiot. First of all, one hour? Look at the trapezoid muscles in my neck. You think I got those by takin' shortcuts? If you're committed to being healthy you need to devote entire days to a specific muscle. Mondays are neck. Tuesdays back. Wednesdays chest and tris. Et ceteras, et ceteras.
Q: What about diet?
A: Regardless o' how many drinkin' fountains are in the joint, when you're at the gym ya wanna carry a jug full of distilled water for quick breaks. Distilled water lets the pores breathe and re-oxidizes the veins [Ed. Note - None of Carl's statements have been verified by the FDA]. And if you're just startin' out, ya wanna be eatin' at least 300 grams of protein a day. Most nights I eat a tube of bulk sausage or hamburger and a half dozen hard-boiled eggs. Fruits & vegetables cause joint stiffness, fatigue and lazy eyes. Carpe diem: consume them at your peril.
Q: Should I work out if I'm sick or injured?
A: Most scientists agree that unless there's blood in your stools, it's safe to exercise. Last month I was scrapping for a valve cover for my IROC at my cousin's junkyard when a rat bit me and my forearm swelled up like a bastard. Did that stop me? No freakin' way. I drove to the gym wit the rat still dangling from my arm.
Q: Is it okay to socialize at the gym?
A: Now I'm gonna talk about the rest of the bodybuildin' pyramid of success- Oooh, wait. Those idiot radio DJs finally played the song I requested. [Ed. Note - For the next 3:47 Carl sings along to Van Halen's "Pound Cake"]. As I was sayin', 50% of bodybuildin' is attitude. Time for the other percentages. I don't have a printer, but if you call Tom Hammer he'll probably print out a chart and mail it to you. [Ed. Note - Please don't call.]. There's 20% supplements, creatine, energy drinks and so forth. 18% is bein' tan. 9% is gear (see earlier note about clothing). 22% is genetics. And 83% is effort. If I ask a guy to spot me the last thing I want to hear is how busy he is. The only acceptable banter is a compliment like if you see a guy lookin' huge in the locker room...just say somethin' like "hey big man" or "nice meat".
Q: Are some people born scrawny and disease-prown and therefore hopeless? [Ed. Note - Carl posed this question himself].
A: Without question, some of us have a huge advantage with the DNA. One look at me and you know I hit the genetics lottery. My great-uncle Fritz used to travel with the circus as a strongman and people'd pay to see him lift wagons of coal or immigrants. Nowadays you need a license to do that 'cause everyone's so PC. But even if you weren't born with natural gifts it's still possible to not look like a total freakin' embarrassment if you follow my fitness pyramid plan. Best idea is to send me a check for $250 and then I'll call you to discuss a personalized plan. Alright, I finally got to the gym. Time to get jacked up and bring the noise, I like to go in there like a Sherman tank full o' cobras. Until next time, Carl is out!
As is the case for over 99% of my time I am thinking about vacation. And if I had one lifestyle consulting tip to pass on to the readers here it would be to take as many vacations as you can feasibly fit into your schedule and budget. Now, while I'm not opposed to the Chevy Chase style, pack up the family truckster, tie the dog to the rear bumper, ramp a station wagon 50 feet over a "road closed" sign, tie your Aunt Edna to the roof of your car, dance with a bologna sandwhich, hold up John Candy at Wally world, type vacation. I will say that going the all-inclusive resort route is 100% bohogan approved. Whether its the Carribean, Mexico, South America, France or Indonesia, a good all-inclusive resort just drips with opportunity to live a bohogan lifestyle. If you've never been or if you are considering going again, below are my 10 unsolicited tips to guarantee you have the best vacation ever. Even better then packing up the wagon queen family truckster and traveling 3,000 miles across country to see a God damn moose. PRAISE MARTY MOOSE!!!!!
1.) Selection of the resort is of the utmost importance. I don't know about you, but when I'm on vacation without my kids (I guess this is all my vacations since my three kids with three different women all know me as the "guy who sends the checks" **Note: I'm just kidding, I really don't have any kids.....that I know of) I certainly don't want to vacation with other peoples kids. The only guy I know that likes to find the "child friendly" resort while traveling alone is now in jail. Guess why?? Pervert. Adults only is the way to go. The really cool bonus about adults only is sometimes "adults only" means like hedinism or is some type of soft porn resort. This one time, my soon to be fiance' and I walked into a resort only to be greeted by an orgasm contest at the pool. Classy.
2.) Even if you've never really been a big tipper, the first time you go to the resort bar make sure you give the bar tender a nice fat Benjamin. Twenty bucks may seem like a big tip for two "free" drinks but in the long run, it'll work out for you. See, you basically just paid for the guys rent so he'll definitely take it upon himself to make sure regardless of where you are in line, or what you actually order, he'll reward you immediately with a drink that's strong as kerosene. A couple of those and you'll be ready to participate in tequila volleyball where the losers have to walk naked around the pool. Why don't they tell you the rules before you sign up for crying out loud. How embarrassing....for those idiots that play tequila volleyball. Last bartender tip is make sure you don't speak really loud and slow to the bartender even if he doesn't speak English. Chances are he can understand it there chief.
3.) Don't drink the water
4.) Whatever you do, disregard the people who are up late at night or up early in the morning putting their towels on pool side chairs to "save" them for the next day. This is one of the most annoying things about these type of resorts. Generally, people like to lay by the pool on vacation so naturally they want the "good" spot that's in the sun or shade. I have an easy way to circumvent the process. Get up when you normally would, walk down to the pool, find an empty chair that suits your liking and then throw the towel that occupies the chair into the ocean. A.) You don't have to get up early or stay up late. B.) You get a great spot C.) Nobody can prove anything because some shark probably has ate the towel. Genius!!!
5.) Always visit the local downtown area closest to where you are staying. Go to the especially touristy joints, where you get the yard long beers and they come around blowing whistles pouring tequila in your mouth. Great people watching and you get real hammered.
6.) All inclusive resorts are a people watchers paradise in of themselves. Make certain you leave plenty of time and expend plenty of effort each day to come up with nicknames for other guests. You stay four, five, six days somewhere that's all inclusive and you probably are running into the same people over and over again. Make great friends with these people. Consider inviting them to your wedding. If you see a guy in the gift shop buying a white linen shirt and white linen pants call him "Linen on linen". If you see a guy whose obviously with his girl friend at the resort but spends his day by the pool checking out other chicks call him "head on a swivel". If you are in the jacuzzi with a nice lady and she gets out and only has one leg call her "stumpy". Make sure you spend the rest of the trip referring to these people by nickname to your partner. "Hey honey, I was at the pool and saw Linen on Linen all hammered at the bar and Head on a Swivel was making out with Stumpy."
7.) Drink a sh*t load everyday for free. Except for the twenty bucks up front. See #2.
8.) Avoid buying weed from Rasta looking guys on the street corner. That sh*t ain't real. It may look like Jamaican but it's really ground up palm leaves. If you are a big weed smoker and you are in the Caribbean and they are playing Bob Marley, I understand the temptation. If you are hard up, go find the guy named "Fin" who hangs out on the beach all day, not trying to sell things, but just sitting there all spaced out. He probably can hook you up. **Note: None of these stories are from personal experience. Believe me, I'd never nickname someone "stumpy". That's rude.
9.) Don't expect that the dinner buffets are going to be as good or safe as a KFC all you can eat buffet. Honestly, give me one second to pick one restaurant and I'll pick KFC buffet every time. 60% of the time, that place is great every time. The point here is, be careful what you eat at these buffets. Avoid the exotic foods, and avoid calamari or any other strange seafood that you typically wouldn't eat. I'm two for two on food poisoning after eating calamari in the Caribbean. Maybe it has something more to do with a food allergy now that I think about it. Sh*t, I'm allergic to calamari. Son of a b*tch!!!
10.) Don't be afraid to get involved in all the activities that the friendly staff pushes on you. I never would of thought I'd be doing water aerobics every morning with "Spit and Swallow" my two gay friends from New Jersey. While it may seem intruding that some staff member is blowing a whistle in your face while you are napping on the beach, they really are just super stoked to get you in the beach volleyball game. I hate to let people down so I'm always a willing participant. Plus, you get to make a lot of great friends and come up with a lot of great nicknames that will last a life time.
In honor of our favorite sports columnist Bill Simmons The Sports Guy, who is one of our site partners, we felt compelled to generate our first readers mailbag. I realize that we are only four posts deep in terms of providing unsolicited lifestyle consulting but I feel that these readers really capture the essence of what bohogan.com is about and thus are a good reference to what we hope to provide in terms of service and support. Bohogan lifestyle can not be characterized by a single thought like Gisele Bundchen can: HOT!!!!. We are more like a fine wine where the subtle hints of different aroma can lead you down a path of speculation as to where the grapes come from. At least that's what I hear expert wine drinkers can do. I guess in reality, bohogan is nothing like a fine wine because we don't drink that weak sh*t. Maybe I should have used bourbon as the point of reference. At any rate, I think you'll get our point as you read our astute reader posts:
1.) Bill Menchofer from Peoria, Illinois writes:
Q: "Is it okay to high step down a street, naked, wearing only football helmets in a level 3 snow emergency after drinking a beer after every touchdown in a 63-24 blowout? Please I need to know if this fits the Bo Hogan lifestyle!
A: Bill I'm glad you bring this up because I was contemplating this the other day. The answer is yes. First off you are turning a sporting event into a drinking game which in of itself is always a good idea. Second, your willingness to battle the elements in a quest to be naked because you are drunk is honorable. The answer is yes.
2.) Rob Handerson from Carmel, IN writes:
Q: "The other day I had an argument with a co-worker on whether or not it is acceptable to use sports references in a business meeting. For example, our department is struggling to stay out of the red and we are searching for ways to cut the budget sort of like the Super Bowl bud light commercial. I said, "I think we should fire Ted Nelson, he is kind of like Jamal Tinsley to the Pacers, no production but we pay a big salary while he goes out and gets drunk at strip clubs and fires his gun off like Yosimite Sam!!" Is this acceptable?"
A: Uh, where to I start here Rob. I think it really depends if your boss is a Pacers fan. If you know he bleeds blue and gold, then I bet Ted is packing his sh*t up as we speak. In general, its not so much whether using sports analogies is appropriate in a business meeting but knowing your audience is a must.
3.) Skip Jenkins from Pandora Gilboa, OH writes:
Q: "I need some lifestyle consulting. My friends are making fun of me because we had a formal dinner event to attend and I wore my cowboy hat and boots. I had a skinny string tie on though and a collared shirt with my wranglers. I feel it is ok to express my country heritage. Thoughts?
A: You may need more then lifestyle consulting there Tex. Unless you are attending the rodeo, I'd advise against sporting your hat and boots in public. That said, growing up country is not a bad thing and I encourage everyone to stick to their roots. But if your roots consist of cowboy boots, then don't feel bad about modifying that approach.
4.) Byron Gladden from Indianapolis, IN writes:
Q: "I live a very hectic life due to my work schedule. I'm always on the phone at all hours and am constantly on the go. For ease of use, and comfort, I choose to wear a blue tooth in my ear. This fits my lifestyle and I think it looks cool. What does Bo Hogan think?
A: Bare with me because I have a lot of pent up frustrations on this one. ANYBODY WHO WEARS A BLUE TOOTH IN THEIR EAR WHILE OUT IN PUBLIC SHOULD BE RIDICULED, MOCKED, LAUGHED AND POINTED AT!! In the car, at the airport or while in the office is one thing and that is somewhat acceptable. But in a restaurant, or at a club or bar, at a house party or sporting event, there is nothing more annoying then somebody rocking a blue tooth. Oh, it gives you status alright. Official big league turd status!!! I need an aspirin.
5.) Dusty Wallace from Talladega, FL writes:
Q: My friends and I are in our 30's and single. We really for the most part want nothing to do with a relationship but are getting to that point in our lives where while prepared to go through life unmarried, we are still wanting to have kids. I want to have that son that I can teach, coach and work with to become a star athlete and maybe get paid some day. How can I do that without having to settle into a marriage?
A: Dusty, you've come to the right place. Here is the plan. I assume that you and your friends like to frequent the clubs and night spots on the weekends and get absolutely hammered doing Jager bombs while standing in a group ogling the ladies but never make a move because your scared or insecure. I have an idea for you. Create a fictitious event and call it something that lines up with some type of sporting event, (eg. The Breeders Cup). Make business cards with the event name, phone number and address and all the necessary information for attending. Go to the bar, and be on the look out for ladies who are 5'9 and up and look like they can run a 4.3 forty and bench press an ox. Those are your breeders. They are the ones who can support a reproduction process that will bare you your super star athlete. The goal is to get as many of those "breeders" invited to the party as possible. Make it seem like a real exclusive event but make sure to tell them to dress casual. Casual enough to run the shuttle drill, standing long jump and 40 meter dash. You getting the drift? Then, come time of the event, you require the "contestants" to perform the drills to gain entry to the party. The rest is really pretty simple. You just have to convince them to sleep with you, bare children illegitimately, and let you keep the child no strings attached. Maybe make low self esteem one of the "breeder" criteria. **Note: Bo Hogan is not advocating in the least bit the mistreatment of women nor are we downplaying the intelligence of the female. The scheme is really a joke played on Dusty and his turd friends. We've never actually tried to implement this scheme in any way at all. Nor have we even spent more then 5 hours in a board room discussing the potential of such idea.)
Since bohogan.com has only been operational for a few weeks, we really only have five readers it appears but I hope you enjoyed the Q&A. Feel free to use the contact us, to submit your bohogan lifestyle questions.
March Madness is always an appropriate time to discuss the intricacies of running a successful sports book, especially when the world famous Bookie Handbook has been mentioned in previous Bo Hogan lifestyle Consulting blogs, which are read by literally millions of people a day… If you are a casual gambler, read no further. This article is not intended for you and you shouldn’t be visiting this website anyways. If you enjoy seeing, and subsequently taking down a mark, then you will end this article with a substantially higher understanding of how to do so. Here a few pieces of advice for you motivated young gamblers out there…
Humble beginnings…
It’s time to start making some money. Don’t expect or even accept large bets at first. This is a classic rookie mistake. Because you haven’t read far enough into this article yet, you don’t know what to do when someone wins a bet you can’t pay! You might be tempted to actually pay them. You also are not seasoned enough in your abilities to properly manage your client list and daily bet logs. Having said all that, why do drug dealers give kids the first batch for free? Same reason you’ll take small bets (and hope they win by the way)! Inevitably they’ll ask for payment, at which time you will counter offer with a suggestion they will always love. “Sure, here’s your money, although if you want I can just put you on a book and then as you continue to win I can pay you in one large lump sum each month”. They will eat this up, because they will think they are going to win and images of receiving large checks each month will flash across their idiotic and gullible minds. This will very likely be the last time they ever have reason to expect a payment from you, and will also (unbeknownst to them) be the start of a very dark time in their lives as they continue to escalate bet size to play catch up…
Yes, I can
That’s the answer to the question you will eventually be asked… “Can you take this action?” Here’s the secret, doesn’t matter if you can or not! More than likely, it won’t matter because they will lose, they usually do. If they win, it will inspire confidence that they don’t deserve and they’ll bet more the next time and lose and you’re back in the black. Over time, this pattern will always lead to good things for you and very, very bad things for them. If they win and want to then immediately cash out, that’s a different story. You will probably have to rough them up, or leave town for a while. They’ve probably paid you enough by now for a nice vacation anyways.
Psychologicalism…
This is a real word used to describe your eventual ability to make people do stupid things, like make a bet with you instead of a website. A good example would be dropping hints at a great betting opportunity, like “Man, Duke is going to KILL Texas. I can’t believe that line is so low…” Then, when they ask what the line is, you take the number of points Duke is favored by and double it, giving Texas twice the advantage they had before. The mere fact that they asked you what the line was means they didn’t know the answer anyways, so you could say whatever you want! Then maybe drop one more little piece of bait like “Damn, I shouldn’t have said that in front of you… I guess you can still bet if you want though”. Now simply look upset with yourself for the gambling advice you’ve just handed out, accept the bet, and collect your money.
Negotiations…
This last tip is not for the newcomer and may apply more to the making, as opposed to taking of bets… Only seasoned professionals like Tom Hammer and myself should attempt it. You must be armed with numerous stats (real or fake, doesn’t matter unless they can prove otherwise), an argumentative nature, and most importantly a goal bet. If you know, for example, that Roger Federer is a 2:1 favorite to be the 2009 Wimbledon champion, why not see if you can get 4:1?? Your argument… “2:1 is ridiculous!!! (be emphatic by yelling and hitting something) Federer is injured, hasn’t been playing well lately, has an ugly girlfriend, just flew back from Dubai on the red eye, and can’t beat Nadal! Come on man… (Attempt to receive sympathy at this point) I need 4:1 or I can’t do it”. The gambler at this point is forced to make a decision. Because you said you “can’t” do it, it’s either give you 4:1, or don’t bet. Gambling is addictive; the thought of not betting is more than likely not an option for the person you’re negotiating with. You win (unless Federer loses, in which case your points from the argument all look valid and you have better negotiating ground next time).
Other quick hits:
· No websites or business cards. What you’re doing is Illegal, dummy
· Accept bets on everything… Reality TV, natural disasters, elections, etc…
· Always claim you don’t keep any of the clients personal information
· Always keep the clients personal information
· Have at least one friend who’s willing to claim you have mafia connections
· Don’t worry about getting the money up front… No one will make huge ridiculous bets if they have to pay for it in advance!
· Go to Las Vegas a lot. This isn’t necessary for being a good bookie, but I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t see why this is a good idea…
Penned by:
Sam Rothstein Jr.
Unless you live in a bomb shelter, or on an Amish farm you are aware that the NCAA tournament has tipped off and March Madness has once again gained a strangle hold on sports fans lives. Let me just say that I love to gamble, so the NCAA tournament and all the bracket opportunities is like putting one of the biggest loser contestants in a room full of pastries, french fries and un-diet soda!! You know they're going to eat that sh*t up and that's what I do with these brackets every year. I devour every statistic known to man, apply complicated scientific formulas, re-read my bookie handbook and watch game film of all 64 teams. I know I'm not alone in my love and passion for the almighty bracket, so I thought I'd take a few moments to hand out some pointers on how to be sure your bracket garners the necessary attention in your office pool. Follow these tips closely and I'll guarantee you at the very least, you will get double the enjoyment watching the continuous coverage on CBS.
1.) Always make sure you select teams whose name is a sexual innuendo. The example here is Morehead St. How lucky are students that go to Morehead? I can see the t-shirts on the printing press after their upset of Louisville in the first round. "Craven Morehead in 2009!"
2.) Make sure you pick teams whose nickname refers to drug paraphernalia. The example here is the Zags from Gonzaga. Fun fact, John Stockton went to Gonzaga way back in the day, and he lived above a bar!!! What's more impressive, a guy making it to the NBA and breaking the all-time assist record coming from the college of Gonzaga, or a guy making it to the NBA who lived above a bar in college. Tough pick.
3.) Avoid selecting teams whose name appears as three words on your bracket. Stephen F. Austin, East Tennessee State, North Dakota State, Cal State Northridge. Enough said!! Three names means some guy invented a college and all the normal state names or city names were taken by real colleges so he thought being real specific with the geographical location and/or affiliation to the local municipality would be a good idea. I'm too lazy to look this up but I'm going to claim that not one team with three names and over has ever won the tournament or probably even a game.
4.) Don't let patriotism influence your bracket. American will always be a sentimental favorite but there is no way in hell you should risk winning money on a school who felt obliged to name themselves after the country we live in. I mean, if you really think about it, every school in the bracket could be called American. You know what makes this situation worse is that American plays in the Patriot league and their school newspaper is the Eagle. I'm sure their fight song is the star spangled banner for Christ sake.
5.) If you are confused on a specific game, give yourself the "where would I rather go party" question and you are almost 100% guaranteed to pick the winner. I was completely perplexed on Utah vs. Arizona so I posed the mental question. I'm sure Utah has a pretty campus but I bet their bars suck!
If you follow these rules and guidelines, and apply the necessary discipline I have no doubts that you will be winners. In fact, regardless of what the score board reads at the end of the game, in your heart and in your soul you will know that you followed a rigorous process and you are indeed a winner. At the very least you will be a bigger winner then those losers that went to college at American. *Note: If you are reading this and went to American I'm sorry. I tease because I love.
Lastly, from the opening tip I'll be watching like a hawk, living and dieing with each and every play and telling everyone who will listen that I picked the big upset. I mean, its easy math to figure out that if you do 64 different brackets you have a decent chance of predicting that amazing upset At any rate, if you are like me, make sure you have the tissues close during one shining moment and join me in prayer as I pray that Billy Packer won't come out of retirement and ruin the national championship game. Give me Dickie V BABY!!! "Get this, this kids a diaper dandy, a real high flyer and his moms an engineer, his moms an engineer BABY!!!!!" Amen!!!!!
Penned by:
Tom Hammer
I just returned from a long weekend trip to New York city where I was visiting my sister and brother-in-law who had recently bought a new apartment in the upper west side of Manhattan. I feel compelled to blog a bit about my experience in order to impress on our readership the uniqueness of living a NYC life style and potentially consult you on how best to maximize the precious time you have in the big city.
First and foremost, if and when you see a large gathering of people making a lot of noise and you see a lot of fist pumping and unbridled enthusiasm make sure you make a bee line to that area and throw yourself into the experience. Let me cite a few examples of what I encountered this past weekend:
Example A: Friday afternoon in Manhattan, after taking the subway to the lower east side to hit up the half price Broadway ticket stand, to my dismay all the naked shows were sold out, we came upon a large gathering of people. Not exactly an odd occurrence in the city, but two of the ring leaders in the center of the crowd had bull horns, and were wearing referee shirts while standing in an inflated ring filled with apple sauce. Picture Will Farrell in old school officiating the K-Y jelly wresting contest which unfortunately caused Joseph "Blue" Palowski to go down effectively ending his stint as the best character in the entire show, maybe even comedy history. (See picture above for visual reference to what over stimulated ol' Blue) I digress. After pressing closer to see what was happening, it became apparent that the 50 or so people standing around the ring screaming and yelling and chanting weren't really apple sauce wresting enthusiasts but rather extras in the filming of a "TRUTH.com" segment. If you aren't familiar with that organization, they do the anti-smoking bits which I found rather ironic seeing that the majority of the "actors" were firing back heaters, that's smokes for you mental midgets, in between takes!! At any rate, what a great experience on my first day in the city to see an actual commercial set. I joined in the chants, gave a few high fives and bummed a few smokes from the cast and crew.
Example B: Sunday afternoon, browsing the over priced Banana Republic sued shoe collection, I noticed a large group of people all dressed in green and white gathering outside of the bar across the street. I looked closer and it is absolute bedlam. This group of guys was obviously celebrating something with no regard for pedestrians or oncoming vehicles as they spilled out into the street. I sprinted to investigate and it turns out they were all watching the Rugby world cup and their team had obviously garnered an impressive victory. I found myself embracing grown men, in green striped boxers and wife beaters and putting little kids on my shoulders. I'm not sure where they were from but I've never seen a group of people more happy to be drunk as pigs at 11:00am on a Sunday. Obviously I was impressed, and followed them back into the bar at the orders of the NYPD, and joined in the post game celebration. Irish car bombs for everyone!!!
My second take away from my visit to the big apple is you should always plan your trip close to some type of major holiday. This doubles the chance that you'll get to experience some sort of bizarre situation or illicit road side activities of some sort. Being in NYC so close to St. Patrick's Day, which happens to be my second favorite holiday of the year after Flag Day, was also a life altering experience. On Friday night, as we closed in on the 4th or 5th bar of our unplanned mini-bar crawl, we entered the oldest bar in NYC which happens to be an Irish pub. As you can imagine, it was assholes to elbows in that joint and we only got a table because one of the workers remembers my sister as the big chested blonde (he actually referred to her in this context). The table we got happened to be directly next to the coal burning stove that they used to heat the entire place. We were just happy to have a seat so we didn't complain. That is until my brother-in-law was suffering from dehydration literally within minutes of sitting down due to the unbearable heat that this archaic heating device was throwing out. Sweltering isn't even close to being a powerful enough adjective. The good news was they serve 2 pints per man at a time and the beers were coming fast and furious. If it weren't for the onslaught of beers that came our direction, I'm certain we would have gave in to the 3rd degree burns we all were suffering from. Aside from the heat, this place was awesome. Just pure debauchery, with every patron getting tanked on light or dark draft beer. Those were the two options. Not Smithwicks, or Guinness, or Harp or Bass. Just light or dark. It seemed like the entire bar would break out into song every 15 minutes or so. I was stunned at one point as I removed my cap and joined in the singing of the national anthem almost moved to tears. The irony of singing the Star Spangled Banner in an authentic Irish bar owned by real life Irishmen made it all the more impressive. There was one bid of sound and imagery that was less then impressive but I have to stamp it as the comedic pennacle of the entire trip. Watch the youtube video attached below to take it all in but to give the quick background. After complaining a bit, and threatening the drunken worker who offended my sister with a sexual harassment law suit we were placed at a better table by the front door. Next to us sat a group of guys all surrounding one lady who apparently had a skill that you wouldn't think would be utilized in an Irish bar with piss drunk people. From time to time, the guys would start pleading with her and then she'd just stop and break out in full fledged opera style singing. At one point, her biggest adoring fan even gave an eyes closed arm pump that was from the depths of his soul. The video clip sets the scene as you can really capture how proud her table mates were of her opera voice, often shushing the crowd, while our table reacted in the appropriate manner....appalled!!
In summary, NYC in March close to St. Patti's day, or any time of the year for that matter is a wonderful experience. Remember, to always join the mob and throw your inhibitions to the wind and in case you ever hear opera in an Irish pub, feel free to act accordingly which means lots of disgusted head shakes and general mocking of the situation.
"To all you ugly, fat, out of shape, blue collar workers, keep the noise down while I take off my shirt and show you what a real man looks like! Hit the music!"- The late "Ravishing" Rick Rude
It official that BoHogan.com is official. The one stop shop for 100% unsolicited lifestyle consulting that will change your life. We guarantee our blogs will break from typical content like weight loss, financial health, and human rights activism to focus on topics that are important to our readership such as gambling tips, keg stand etiquette and where to find the best bar while traveling. Visit early and visit often our blog spot which will cover all kinds of rough terrain that will help you shake your inhibitions and send you on your way to living Bo Hogan style. Bo Hogan lifestyle consulting won't get you a better job, or help you lose those love handles, but we will at the bare minimum inspire you to break free of your boring mundane life and put yourself in position to let your innner "Frank the Tank" appear. So sit back, relax, pop on some Michael McDonald and enjoy reading!!
Penned by:
Tom Hammer
