NCAA pick special... Feldersnatch and Speedman join forces

NCAA pick special... Feldersnatch and Speedman join forces 11/13/2009

The Midwestern United States mornings are turning colder; frost has set in, the crops are being harvested, and hundreds of whitetail deer are being trucked on the asphalt everyday. Rural Ohio is f*cking sweet!!!!!!!

As a guy in the midst of a marital break up I constantly look to Speedman and Trotter’s picks as a small bright spot in my otherwise dismal existence. Not only are these guys genius (LMFAO) handicappers, but they are proven lifestyle consultants. A guy in my position…….you know………nearing middle age, ending a dysfunctional relationship, looking for a hot broad to “beat cakes” with, and trying to dodge the stigma of degenerate loser needs the humor laced excitement that Hogan’s top Cappers can offer.

I remember the first time I spied Don Trotter. State hoops tournament in a drunken state. The guy has a neck that looks like a graphic relief map of Tibet. I could stop staring at him as he ranted about the many merits of Ann Arbor’s Jr. Pop Warner football squad.
This guy’s intensity made Stripes Seargent Hulka and The Great Santini’s Lt. Col. “Bull” Meechum seem like she-male submissive trannys looking to get probed in the rusty sheriff’s badge.

I had more lifestyle training from Speedman. I consider the guy a friend. I’m a protégé to his mastery. I hope I make you proud, Mr. Clean! This guy has intensity too, but I think his is brilliantly thought out and calculated. He and I cut up Key West like Escobar began cutting up the Columbian Bam-Bam. Chazz loves action. He is passionate about bookmaking like he is about whores. Sure he goes through stretches when he loves the gothic minxes, but who doesn’t……………Dark clothing, horrible looking make-up, abhorrent piercings, and the worst looking Dr. F*cking Martens on Earth. I get it, afterall tail = tail!

Again, as a fellow with Midwestern ties I find myself gravitating towards Big 10 football. I can’t stay away from Notre Dame or Kansas either? Have you seen their respective coaches, “ A Wimp and a Blimp”….props to you Babs Jansen (Animal House in Reference to Flounder and Pinto). Finally, I have to illustrate the beauty that is Appalachia.

Speedman says: These are 5 games I assure you none of you will watch.

Alright C*NTS, lets get to these picks:

University of Michigan @ University of Wisconsin -8.5

Wisconsin may have the biggest corn fed boys in all of the FBS. Einstein like Dick-Rod decided to go with a heavier conditioning routine in an attempt to increase speed and agility. Have you seen the UM defense? Think of Jody Foster vs. a posse of ruffians in a dimly lit honky tonk………If you are envisioning her chasis bent over a (really cool) vintage pinball machine having all dignity removed stroke by stroke………..we are on the same page. UM will get slapped around in this one too. Take “Jump Around”, the rowdy band, and all the drunks in Camp Randall in this match up. Um falls to 5-6 and being a “Michigan Man” is about as special as being voted to be the next actor in a snuff film. Speedman is supportive in this pick. I mean, the guy drinks Fiji bottled water. Don’t bet against a man at such a lofty social status!

Speedman says: A $3.00 bottle of water shows that I enjoy the finer things in life, such as Budweiser in Cans, Jagerbombs, Cheese Curds and girls who are solid 4’s & 5’s. I’ve been to Camp Randle, it’s nice, especially all the 3’s and 4’s. I agree Wisconsin and the points.

Notre Dame @ Pittsburgh

Hey ND and Northern Indiana in general: Stick to making top quality mobile homes and fifth wheels because your football team SUCKS!!!!!!! F*cking Purdue has bigger wins this year than You do. Oh, but the mystique, the tradition, the four horsemen….blah, blah, blah. University of Pittsburgh is favored by a touchdown and is a lead pipe lock. Dion Lewis is a 5’8” Freshman running back for the Panthers. He’ll get loose like Charlie Weis does at Thornton Melon’s Tall & Fat stores and will run roughshod through the Irish defense. He is half the size of Chuckles Weiss and as elusive too. Picture this………Weis is smuggling his third Primanti Brothers Panini of the night into bed. His old lady comes in and in a panic Chuck decides to hide it under one of his many folds. Dion Lewis will hide behind Pitt’s large OL and then dash to the end zone. Bill Stull should have his way with the molasses slow DB’s of the ND secondary too. Dave “push-broom” Wannstedt makes Pitt fans love him more deeply after the Panthers molest the Irish in front of a National television audience on ABC. Hey Speedman, I love the way the Flozell collection has worked out for Charlie. The GUNT series was perfect for him just as it was for the original Chazz B.

Speedman says: Flozell Adams created a clothing line for men over 500 lbs. Mangino and Weis are the picture of perfect health and fitness in America. What must the parents of their recruits think when these two mounds of lard walk in? I know what I’d be thinking, hide the pork reins. Wannstedt has the ultimate push-broom duster. His facial hair is third behind D-backs pitcher Clay Zavada and Oklahoma QB Landry Jones. If Jimmy the Greek were alive to talk about race relations and Pitt football I think he would say something similar to: “I like Pitt and Wannstedt’s caterpillar mustache to cover the spread 31-17.” RIP Jimmy...

University of Nebraska (-4) @ Kansas University

Mark Mangino has an appetite…..not exactly breaking news, I know. This guy makes Ralph Friedgen and Tom Amstutz look as diminutive as the Kenyan marathon team. The Basketball and Football teams are feuding on the Lawrence, Kansas campus while Mangino is hammering all the game footage and KC BBQ his boiler can handle. Hopefully everything in the film room is covered in gore-tex as I bet this guy sweats in bucket-fuls as he gnashes. Bo Pelini better hope Mark does not get the itch to chow during the post game handshake because I like Mangino in that match up. Nebraska is coming off a tough win vs. OU last week. I think they come in flat vs. the Fighting Fat F*cks. KU takes advantage of a mediocre effort and wins against the once vaunted “blackshirts” defensive unit. Not even dressing like Wiliam Belicheck and his other disciples (Weiss and McDaniel) will help the Big Red. Fat jokes aside, Man-gina is the owner of a great offensive mind. I believe he uses it to keep the Nebraska D off balance while allowing his own O to light up the scoreboard.

Speedman says: A few years I invented a drinking game called Mangino. The rules are quite simple: Put on a Kansas Football game, every time you see Mangino you drink. The cameramen can’t get enough of this progressive eater. His enormous stature and gator arms are something to behold. I got hammered the night I came up with the concept, called a girl a C U Next Tuesday at the bar, threatened to fight her boyfriend (and possibly the girl…), took my shirt off, drove to Giant Eagle and gave my neighbors a yard job. With that said I’m going with the Huskers to cover 28-21.

Sparty (-2.5) vs. Boilermakers

Rossade Stadium is the home to a “pick ‘em match up, in my opinion. I can’t figure out either of these teams. Based on the line, I don’t even know if Jimmy “the Greek” Snyder would touch this one. F*ck it……..I roll with Trotter and Speedman. I’m confident in my picks because I base them on my wack ass thoughts. Honestly, I cannot type a sentence without thinking about golf or internet porn. I have the attention span of a four year old ADHD suffered tethered to a Ritalin Salt lick.
Dantonio is the head coach of a Jekyll and Hyde team every goddamn Autumn. They kick ass and get their asses kicked. Purdue isn’t a lot different. They lose to NW and then handle Ohio State and their over-f*cking-rated quarterback for sixty minutes. I believe that Purdue does MSU like they did Richard Rodriguez’s cream puffs last week……Deep forced anal. A train isn’t scary, well maybe it is too some women, perhaps we should stick with the “Choo Choo” mascot variety, but a loss to Purdue should be if you’re a Spartan fan. I really like them at home vs. MSU

Speedman Says: If you thought this was the worst game on the slate for Saturday, think again. (see below) Joey Elliott looks like Drew Brees one game and Drew Bledsoe the next. Danny Hope looks like a cop, I hate cops. Trotter hates cops, he really hates cops. I saw Trotter get taken down by the fuzz twice. I’ll let him tell the story. Dantonio is wearing out his welcome in Lansing b/c his team sucks. I like Purdue to go “Greek” on Sparty by a score 24-17.

University of Kentucky (-3) vs. Vanderbilt

I have family in Lexington. I’ve had some great times in the Commonwealth as well. Their football team is a perennial doormat in the SEC, but I think they can get over on Vandy. Vanderbilt University holds Ivy league type academic status in the SEC, but sadly their athletes cannot compete with graphing calculators or scanning electron microscopes on the gridiron. Rich Brooks is about as ragged out as Annabel Chong was after she established her 251 man gang bang record. My old roommate still has that Hustler…..Circa 1995 I believe. Brooks is still capable of leading the “Cats past the Commodores though. I bet the tailgating at this annual match up is sweet. Rhodents, vermin, and trash can raiding critters are cooked over an open fire. Fiddles and banjoes are strummed and harmonica groups play through toothless smiles. Grain alcohol is sucked down with the voracity a 10 hundred Indians! The Hatfields and McCoys get together once a year and this ain’t the crowd that is rocking porcelain veneers, cosmetically enhanced sweater puppets, or designer gear. You can be a fan for any team in Appalachia as long as you’re sporting your hunting gear including blaze orange and Mossy Oak/Real Tree Camouflage. This game is like homecoming for the “dentally and chromosomally challenged”. I’d love to see a 4 team playoff every year during Deer season for the Hill-Jack Cup. West Virginia, Tennessee, Kentucky, and Vanderbilt would be the only participants. I’m not sure what part of the Appalachian Mountain foothills Ned Beatty was corn-holed in, but Appalachian people are, well…….interesting. Hillbillies know how to party and Vanderbilt knows how to lose. Take UK to beat the Commodores on Saturday.

Speedman says: I love Joker Phillips. Any human that you meet named Joker is easily the coolest guy in the room. Unfortunately for Joker, Rich Brooks is still the head coach. Can anyone name a player on Vanderbilt’s team? That’s what I thought. Kentucky wins 4-0 and those in attendance have their eyes scooped out with a spoon.

Bo Hogan followers,

I hope you have enjoyed my initial foray into the college football picks. Thanks again to Masters Speedman and Trotter. Reading your offerings this year has inspired a douchebag like me to attempt putting my pen to paper.

Yours Truly,

Howie Feldersnatch
Faber College 1996