 When people ask me to describe myself I typically respond with same honest and candid answer: I’m the hero and villain. I play both sides against each other. I debate myself constantly. I’m articulate yet crude, vain yet self loathing. I’m proud and indolent at the same time. In other words, I am the most interesting man in the world. Not some jackass drinking a Dos Equis in a canoe surrounded by 2 eastern bloc hookers. Try drinking Absinthe at a strip club in Canada for $25 a shot. Then get fleeced for 50 bucks by a couple of Mounties after you punch a drunken pig’s mini-van for almost running you over. Who’s interesting mother f***ker, I am.So let’s recap last week’s games. Yours truly went 2-3. Not up to my usual standards but like I said before I hate gambling on Halloween. Michigan loses to badly to one of the worst teams in America. The worst team in college football, Miami of Ohio, wins. Then Tennessee shows up wearing black jerseys. South Carolina fumbles on their first 2 possessions inside the 20 and win. If there is a lesson to be learned it is do not gamble on Halloween. Just ask Don Trotter who went 3-7. If you’re keeping score, I know I am, Don is 5-11 over the past two weeks. I’ve heard Don has been watching “The Deer Hunter” a lot lately and might be on his way to ‘Nam. That brings me to another installment of how can I make you rich without working. Commit these lyrics to memory this weekend, “I’m on a boat and it’s going fast and I got a nautical themed Pashmina Afghan, I’m the king of the world, on a boat like Leo, if you’re on the shore, then you’re sure not me, oh, get the f**k up, this boat is real.” Houston vs Tulsa (-1.5) Last week Case Keenum threw for 551 yards and covered the spread with a last second touchdown over Southern Miss. That brought a smile to face as well as my bank account. This week Las Vegas hates the Cougars. I have a friend who hates a certain Cougar. It’s his future ex-mother in law. His younger brother banged her silly. I apologize for the rant. Houston wins this game by 7 and so do you. After this victory I’d suggest hitting your local 40’s plus bar such as Polo’s on Bethel Ave for a Cougarific time. New Mexico vs Utah (-.27.5) First off, I hate Mormon’s. A religion that gives out magic underwear is questionable. New Mexico is very bad and Utah might be one of the better one loss teams in the country. Let’s not forget they knocked off Alabama last year in the Sugar Bowl. Utah has made a switch at QB which makes me a little leery. But this is called gambling for a reason. Joe Pesci says, “the two Utes.” I don’t know what the hell that means but I like it. Utah wins with their magic panties 41-0. Illinois vs Minnesota (-6.5) The Minnesota Golden Gophers, who can figure this team out? Illinois and “Fat Head” Juice Williams decide to play their best game of the year against Michigan last week. Minnesota is one win away from being bowl eligible. They have motivation, a new stadium and terrible uniforms. If you decide to invest 3 hours and actually watch this game you better do copious amounts of Special K. For those of you not into the “scene” it’s Ketamine. I dated a girl once who used Special K; she’s probably dead by now or she’s staring at a ceiling fan. Any who bet the Gophers to win 23-10. Florida State vs Clemson (-8.5) World famous gum chewer/defensive coordinator Mickey Andrews is calling it quits. He’s coached 18 first round draft picks, including Deion Sanders. Deion once told an automobile body shop that instead of paying $4265.57 thatJesus told him to only pay $1500, true story. The case went to court and Deion won. Who knew Jesus was an insurance adjuster? Clemson has CJ Spiller, he’s fast, and head coach Dabo Sweeney. Dabo is a big league turd. I think Clemson wins but its close and close means FSU Covers. Go with God…and the Seminoles. Penn State vs Ohio State (+3.5) I hate picking for teams I root for. As if my involvement in the game needs to be heightened with a grand or two riding on the outcome. The shear enjoyment of my team winning should be enough. However we live in capitalist society where money means everything and Firefly is 5.50 a glass. I’ve studied this game long and hard, much like Peter North’s ability to shoot a jizz rope out of his pee hole. Beaver (Beavis and Butthead laugh) Stadium is the most intimidating atmosphere in college football. Terrelle Pryor throws like Lamar Latrell from Revenge of the Nerds fame. Pryor spent his off-season at “Jail House Tats,” refining his street cred. That alone will catapult you into the first round of the draft. “The hell with mechanics or footwork, I got a T and a P on my triceps.” The brotha makes this white boy Oprah Rich with 3 turnovers; PSU wins 27-6. CommentsLarry Beaver Sun, 08 Nov 2009 09:30:11 Chaz, nice pick on Penn State over osu. Penn State blows... Howie Feldersnatch Wed, 11 Nov 2009 06:31:05 Chazz, I knew that slut mother-in-law. She has a superb set of juggs, but Can't Understand Normal Thinking. I hope she dies a horrific death. Leave a Reply | Tom Hammer
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