Having enough testicular fortitude to live a bohogan.com approved lifestyle is indeed a difficult endeavor. Whether at home or on the road there are plenty of opportunities to lapse into a mundane existence. This particular blog will focus on some crucial work elements of a bohogan.com lifestyle. The key is focus and discipline and the confidence to know you can step your game up and achieve that balance or lack there of that typifies what we lifestyle consultants strive for on a daily basis, 100% unfiltered, non-watered down, non-subtle, top of the mountain screaming, heavy breath and powerful thrust making awesomeness where you maximize each and every opportunity to live the most fun life known to man or woman.
Now that I've got you properly motivated, ala Carl the "Gym Guy", its time to introduce the new topic. This topic is for those working people out there who struggle to keep their head up and eyes open during presentations and meetings at work. Anyone who works in an office, has at some time participated in an all day meeting in a conference room with several co-workers, going over strategy or covering critical topics. These meetings are often "off-site" in some location or another and everyone travels in to attend. Some people look forward to these meetings as you get to meet other employees and brown nose with superiors. Others see the benefit of being face to face in a collaborative setting working together and sharing ideas. We at bohogan.com see this type of meeting as a prime setting to demonstrate just exactly what a bo hogan lifestyle is and impress upon others that this isn't your first rodeo and like a hooker in a casino you mean business. If you follow the well thought out tips below, we can guarantee that not only will you dominate these off-site business meetings but you also will set yourself up for lasting success in your job. Your bosses and co-workers will be so impressed that I'm pretty sure they will start throwing money at you like your a well tanned oily stripper in a downtown Atlanta club. If your bosses and co-workers are not impressed, then obviously they don't appreciate talent and probably have never even been to a gentlemens establishment where your senses are brightly aware and the beer tastes like nectar and everything else smells like cotton candy. Where "Pour Some Sugar on Me" floods out of the jukebox like a rampaging river, treating your ears to a white water ride that you'll never forget. Where your hands sting from high fiving your buddies after you've successfully arranged for the fat girl to hit the VIP room with the bachelor. Ah yes, God bless those women and club owners for what they do. Wait, now where was I...................oh yes, we have just entered the Algonquin room in the office tower on West 48th St. downtown (insert big city and corporate headquarter). (Editors note: Tom Hammer mentons hookers and strippers in an opening blog paragraph, yes we are aware, and he is seeking therapy)
1.) Make sure you arrive somewhat late, or late enough so that most of the other people have began to gather and are taking their seats in the room. Make sure you have your blue tooth on (you have a free pass from normal ridicule (see Mailbag #1) and as you enter start screaming at the top of your lungs, "BUY....SELL....SHORT IT.... BUY, BUY, BUY, BUY, SELL..... BUY!" This will impress everyone. After you turn off the phone, mouth to the guy next to you, "Asian markets just closed!"
2.) Make sure you appropriately dress down for the meeting. If you know its casual, take it the next level with a Hawaiian shirt or some type of mock turtle neck. If you know its formal and everyone will wear suits, make sure you wear a sport coat over your mock turtle next with jeans or khaki's. The purpose is to stand out and make sure everyone knows you walk to the beat of your own drum. Don't be afraid to accessorize. Loud watches, shoe laces and gold chains are permitted.
3.) Staying hydrated during these sessions is crucial and what you hydrate yourself with is of the utmost importance. Everyone else will hover around the coffee pot or box of coffee prior to the meeting, trying to be all sophisticated, talking about how the coffee in their office is crap and how when they were on vacation they had the best expresso and ladi f'ing da. Coffee is for amateurs so you need to equip yourself with the latest portfolio of super ginseng infused energy drinks. To show diversity, I suggest you start with a 16 oz. mountain dew just to show them you can go old school caffeine in a blink. You also need to come with a three pack of the 5-hour energy drinks which will come in handy throughout the day as they can be strategically used (see further down). Lastly, get one of those super sized 20oz cans of Rock Star or Monster energy drink. Line up all your fluids in front of your laptop or notebook on your desk like trophies in the entrance to a school gymnasium. Make sure everyone sees your prized portfolio and knows that you mean business. If anyone comments on the ghastly array of super charged soda's, make sure you respond loudly about how you were up all night the night before. Talk about how you left the hotel bar where everyone else was socializing to line up the hottest club in the city where you partied until dawn. Maybe throw in that you drank red bull and vodka all night so you felt it appropriate to continue it into the meeting. Not one hint of sarcasm should be added to your speech.
4.) Once the meeting starts, settle in and surf the internet for the first hour or so while they go through the mechanics of the session and some guy blathers on during the opening remarks. Constantly elbow the person sitting next to you and point at your screen where you'll be displaying hilarious youtube videos streaming "not for work" content. Take down that mountain dew in large chugs, and make loud noises to draw attention to yourself. Roll your eyes, take off your shoes and prop your dogs up on the conference room table. Being relaxed is key in a business meeting.
5.) The first bio break will come an hour or so into the meeting as everyone will need to drain the coffee. Use that time to walk around the building and get acclimated to the setting. Stop and flirt with every girl that walks by or occupies a desk. When everyone gets back into the room, storm in and ask loudly, "whats the girls name down in accounting...jeez.....she's got a body!" or "Melissa in marketing is smoking hot, anybody know her extension number!" You get the point. The main goal is to be sure that everyone is aware that your game and libido doesn't stop because you are at work. This ain't no summer job. You pimp for a living!!!!
6.) The next key is to make sure that you take a dominant role in the meeting. Regardless of the topic, challenge anyone that is trying to make a point or advocate strategy. Cut people off before they can finish, and say stuff like, "I don't know what that dude is talking about....what's your name?? Chip?? well Chip, you are dead wrong here and I'm fixing to tell you why." In your explanations use a lot of big words, even if you don't know what they mean. If people try to interject or counter your points just keep talking louder even if you have to yell. Pound your fists on the table to make your points . Verbal sparring is a good thing in the office and everyone will know that you mean no disrespect. In fact, use that to start your interruptions, "Nothing personal or no disrespect" followed by something personal and disrespectful.
7.) Last but not least, anytime you get bored during the meeting or you disagree with a topic, get out one of the 5 hour energy drinks and toast the room and then chug it back and slam it down. Make a witty statement like, "it's like oxygen for living things". You can also use these drinks to liven up the room too. Toss the guest speaker one if his presentation gets boring, or offer it under the table to people sitting around you and express that this is some highly illegal confidential sh*t. The bottom line here is, drink enough and share enough 5 hour energy drinks to induce panic attacks and then sit back and enjoy the chaos that ensues.
RSS Feed
