Unless you live in a bomb shelter, or on an Amish farm you are aware that the NCAA tournament has tipped off and March Madness has once again gained a strangle hold on sports fans lives. Let me just say that I love to gamble, so the NCAA tournament and all the bracket opportunities is like putting one of the biggest loser contestants in a room full of pastries, french fries and un-diet soda!! You know they're going to eat that sh*t up and that's what I do with these brackets every year. I devour every statistic known to man, apply complicated scientific formulas, re-read my bookie handbook and watch game film of all 64 teams. I know I'm not alone in my love and passion for the almighty bracket, so I thought I'd take a few moments to hand out some pointers on how to be sure your bracket garners the necessary attention in your office pool. Follow these tips closely and I'll guarantee you at the very least, you will get double the enjoyment watching the continuous coverage on CBS.
1.) Always make sure you select teams whose name is a sexual innuendo. The example here is Morehead St. How lucky are students that go to Morehead? I can see the t-shirts on the printing press after their upset of Louisville in the first round. "Craven Morehead in 2009!"
2.) Make sure you pick teams whose nickname refers to drug paraphernalia. The example here is the Zags from Gonzaga. Fun fact, John Stockton went to Gonzaga way back in the day, and he lived above a bar!!! What's more impressive, a guy making it to the NBA and breaking the all-time assist record coming from the college of Gonzaga, or a guy making it to the NBA who lived above a bar in college. Tough pick.
3.) Avoid selecting teams whose name appears as three words on your bracket. Stephen F. Austin, East Tennessee State, North Dakota State, Cal State Northridge. Enough said!! Three names means some guy invented a college and all the normal state names or city names were taken by real colleges so he thought being real specific with the geographical location and/or affiliation to the local municipality would be a good idea. I'm too lazy to look this up but I'm going to claim that not one team with three names and over has ever won the tournament or probably even a game.
4.) Don't let patriotism influence your bracket. American will always be a sentimental favorite but there is no way in hell you should risk winning money on a school who felt obliged to name themselves after the country we live in. I mean, if you really think about it, every school in the bracket could be called American. You know what makes this situation worse is that American plays in the Patriot league and their school newspaper is the Eagle. I'm sure their fight song is the star spangled banner for Christ sake.
5.) If you are confused on a specific game, give yourself the "where would I rather go party" question and you are almost 100% guaranteed to pick the winner. I was completely perplexed on Utah vs. Arizona so I posed the mental question. I'm sure Utah has a pretty campus but I bet their bars suck!
If you follow these rules and guidelines, and apply the necessary discipline I have no doubts that you will be winners. In fact, regardless of what the score board reads at the end of the game, in your heart and in your soul you will know that you followed a rigorous process and you are indeed a winner. At the very least you will be a bigger winner then those losers that went to college at American. *Note: If you are reading this and went to American I'm sorry. I tease because I love.
Lastly, from the opening tip I'll be watching like a hawk, living and dieing with each and every play and telling everyone who will listen that I picked the big upset. I mean, its easy math to figure out that if you do 64 different brackets you have a decent chance of predicting that amazing upset At any rate, if you are like me, make sure you have the tissues close during one shining moment and join me in prayer as I pray that Billy Packer won't come out of retirement and ruin the national championship game. Give me Dickie V BABY!!! "Get this, this kids a diaper dandy, a real high flyer and his moms an engineer, his moms an engineer BABY!!!!!" Amen!!!!!
Penned by:
Tom Hammer
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