Even habitual bohogan.com readers are not immune to the recent economic downturn and regardless of how well versed you are at perfecting this lifestyle, at times you will get tricked, and exposed and some manager or supervisor will want to be a hero and cut the budget 25% so you become expendable because of your sky high salary that you’ve demanded and thus received.  We’ll also throw in the fact that your manager is probably jealous of you and your success, if you are truly following the bo hogan rules, you may end up fired because of that jealousy.  It’s part of the deal my friends, and as some real smart guy said probably during a black out moment at a local eatery turned night club, “what doesn’t kill you only makes you want to bounce back and kill somebody out of revenge!”  I think that’s the saying but if it isn’t, it isn’t.  Or as Notorious B.I.G said, “your reign on the top is short like leprechauns”! 

While it’s sad to clear out your cubicle and box up drawers full of ketchup and hot sauce packets, the post it note list you made of all the women you’ve slept with, various office supplies you stole and will never use, as well as your pride our heart goes out to you but remind you that with every closed door a new one opens.  Bohogan.com, like a midget at a urinal, is on our toes and willing and ready to help you out of this downsizing predicament.  The following are critical skills and techniques you need to employ while preparing yourself for an upcoming job search.

Putting together a killer resume Bo Hogan style:

Let’s be honest here friends, lying is a key element to securing any high profile position.  A good friend of mine once told me if you lie you must carry and own the lie.  Own it so much that you actually believe the lie and convince yourself it really took place. This holds true for your resume’.  Start with small lies and build up to the big ones.  Your real college GPA was 2.03, your resume’ GPA is 3.02.  If you only sold $2,000 worth of copiers last year, inflate that number to $20,000.

When describing your previous work experience, be sure to glorify everything. You need to sell yourself like an extremely profitable but equally as ugly hooker in Vegas. I don’t care if your last position was the mop boy at your local Jack Shack; your title was Lead Customer Service Specialist.  If you flipped burgers at a fast food chain then you were a Quality Control Specialist for a Fortune 500 firm.  If you have gaps in your resume’ where you were canned after 6 months, or you were holding out for a management position, stretch out your two previous jobs to cover it up or explain the gap by indicating a mission trip to Africa. No self-respecting Human Resources person is going to actually research your job history. If HR does ask to contact your previous employers, refuse their request by stating they informed you it would be too hard for them to talk about you because you touched so many people and left them speechless with a broken heart. 

Under each past experience section make sure you use very precise action verbs and adjectives.  For example, why say “responsible for managing and organizing company files” when you could say, “Tabbed with level 5 security access in order to covertly establish a rigorously coded system of file management to expand office efficiency while expediting research and search objectives”.  Or supplement "janitorial duties" with "Certified master of the custodial arts." 

In the hobbies section make sure beer pong, amateur gynecology and facebook are deleted. Your new hobbies are volunteering at a soup kitchen, reading 17th century literature, and learning a new language.

If you spice up your resume in these ways, you may receive outright job offers from prospective employers.  But in the event they want to speak further…

Brilliant Interview Techniques: 

Let’s be honest if you’ve been out of work for several months your communication skills are probably similar to Travis the Chimp, who ripped a women’s hands and face off (RIP Travis). You’ve immersed yourself in online poker, adult websites and Sudoku to dull the pain of unemployment.  It’s time to sharpen your edge and prepare yourself to communicate like a real estate prospector selling ocean front property in Arizona.  Make sure you do plenty of research on the company before the interview and become an expert in their area of business.  If you find out who's interviewing you, maybe google that said person and equip yourself with some amunition in case things go bad.  "Oh yea, well it looks like you and your team got last in the 2001 KeyBank Corporate olympics there chief AND you are a member of the Men's Dartball league at your church!'

Think positive; you’ve made it to the interview that means one of two things: 1) Your resume’ reads like Nikki Sixx’s book The Heroin Diaries!  Awesome! or 2) The job you’re interviewing for does not require any formal education and the top earners last year made $200,000 (see everyone lies on their resume).  You can also build confidence because you’ve been selective with what jobs you interview for because you know you will not succeed in a commission only environment where you are going door to door in an eight mile type part of town selling sweepers, insurance or financial services. You probably are lazy and do not want to be responsible for your own personal success.  Aim high but not Mick Jagger high for crying out loud.

This brings us to the ultimate in verbal warfare, also known as the interview.  You need to walk in to the interview and be the coolest guy on the planet; think Mickey Rourke in 9 ½ Weeks or George Clooney in From Dusk Til Dawn. (Ed. Note. If you haven’t watched either of these movies stop reading and don’t ever come back because you’re not ready to live a Bo Hogan lifestyle.)  You need to project an image of success.  Come dressed in your best Gordon Gecko suit and power tie; cover up your jailhouse tats after all you’re an idiot but damn you look good.  Play ZZ Tops –Sharp Dressed Man on your ipod on your way to and from interview! Always arrive 10 minutes early for the interview. Any longer and you seem desperate. If the person interviewing you is a man shake his hand with your best Burt Reynolds grip, for a woman go for the dead fish.  Bring in several copies of your masterpiece resume to share with the hiring manager or managers.  Point out that you used recycle paper because you care about mother earth, even though you tossed 3 cans of Red Bull out of your 93 Ford Probe GT on your way to the interview. 

Typically the first question out the gate is “Tell us a little bit about yourself.” SOFTBALL!!! It’s time to unleash hell. Talk about your upbringing from a poor lower middle class family where you learned about hard work and how to survive (Oprah’s Book club is getting moist as we speak). Go into a soul-searching speech about how you put yourself through college by working 3 jobs. Remember to throw in a comment about how you are the first in your family to graduate from college and that it was your mother’s lifelong dream to for you to graduate. If you can work a death or tragedy in, do it. When you start talking about your work experience remember to say a lot without saying anything. Use percentages, never actual numbers to describe your company ranking. Odds are you were the worst employee to ever walk through the doors; but today you rank in the top 15% and your performance evaluations were always stellar. After you’ve rambled on like a cackling hen for 5 to 10 minutes, the second question is sure to be where do you see yourself in 5 years. Now we know the ultimate goal is to do nothing and get paid for it.  Thoughts of a tragic stapler incident and tus receiving 100K is probably running through your head.  The best answer is “hopefully with the right training, work experience, drive and determination I can be as successful as you.” The hiring manager is already typing up your introduction letter to be emailed to everyone in the company. The last question you should be prepared for is “what motivates you.” Your answer should be; “I want to get up every day and know that I am making a difference.”  The last interview technique is a common part of psycological war fare where you repeat any questions asked and pose them back to the interviewer.  For example, the question might be, "How many people have you managed at one time?" and you say, something like, "How many people like me have you managed at one time?" Then quickly answer the question for them, "The answer is none because I am one of a kind a bonafied super star!" The bone white business cards with your name in raised lettering are being printed as we speak.

If all else fails and the interview starts to go awry, unbutton your jacket slowly, seductively lick your lips and ask the interviewer if they could give you directions to the gun show.  Maybe drop down and rip off a dozen push ups, one armed if you are skilled.  That's sure to impress and if it doesn’t and they ask you to leave, say something that doesn't make any sense like, "I already was leaving before I showed up for this beauty pageant!"  Likely that will confuse them long enough so you can make a hasty exit and move on to then next interview. 

Having enough testicular fortitude to live a bohogan.com approved lifestyle is indeed a difficult endeavor.  Whether at home or on the road there are plenty of opportunities to lapse into a mundane existence.  This particular blog will focus on some crucial work elements of a bohogan.com lifestyle.  The key is focus and discipline and the confidence to know you can step your game up and achieve that balance or lack there of that typifies what we lifestyle consultants strive for on a daily basis, 100% unfiltered, non-watered down, non-subtle, top of the mountain screaming, heavy breath and powerful thrust making awesomeness where you maximize each and every opportunity to live the most fun life known to man or woman. 

Now that I've got you properly motivated, ala Carl the "Gym Guy", its time to introduce the new topic.  This topic is for those working people out there who struggle to keep their head up and eyes open during presentations and meetings at work.  Anyone who works in an office, has at some time participated in an all day meeting in a conference room with several co-workers, going over strategy or covering critical topics.  These meetings are often "off-site" in some location or another and everyone travels in to attend.  Some people look forward to these meetings as you get to meet other employees and brown nose with superiors.  Others see the benefit of being face to face in a collaborative setting working together and sharing ideas.  We at bohogan.com see this type of meeting as a prime setting to demonstrate just exactly what a bo hogan lifestyle is and impress upon others that this isn't your first rodeo and like a hooker in a casino you mean business.  If you follow the well thought out tips below, we can guarantee that not only will you dominate these off-site business meetings but you also will set yourself up for lasting success in your job.  Your bosses and co-workers will be so impressed that I'm pretty sure they will start throwing money at you like your a well tanned oily stripper in a downtown Atlanta club.  If your bosses and co-workers are not impressed, then obviously they don't appreciate talent and probably have never even been to a gentlemens establishment where your senses are brightly aware and the beer tastes like nectar and everything else smells like cotton candy.  Where "Pour Some Sugar on Me" floods out of the jukebox like a rampaging river, treating your ears to a white water ride that you'll never forget.  Where your hands sting from high fiving your buddies after you've successfully arranged for the fat girl to hit the VIP room with the bachelor.  Ah yes, God bless those women and club owners for what they do.  Wait, now where was I...................oh yes, we have just entered the Algonquin room in the office tower on West 48th St. downtown (insert big city and corporate headquarter). (Editors note: Tom Hammer mentons hookers and strippers in an opening blog paragraph, yes we are aware, and he is seeking therapy)

1.) Make sure you arrive somewhat late, or late enough so that most of the other people have began to gather and are taking their seats in the room.  Make sure you have your blue tooth on (you have a free pass from normal ridicule (see Mailbag #1) and as you enter start screaming at the top of your lungs, "BUY....SELL....SHORT IT.... BUY, BUY,  BUY, BUY, SELL..... BUY!"  This will impress everyone.  After you turn off the phone, mouth to the guy next to you, "Asian markets just closed!"

2.) Make sure you appropriately dress down for the meeting.  If you know its casual, take it the next level with a Hawaiian shirt or some type of mock turtle neck.  If you know its formal and everyone will wear suits, make sure you wear a sport coat over your mock turtle next with jeans or khaki's.  The purpose is to stand out and make sure everyone knows you walk to the beat of your own drum.  Don't be afraid to accessorize.  Loud watches, shoe laces and gold chains are permitted.

3.) Staying  hydrated during these sessions is crucial and what you hydrate yourself with is of the utmost importance.  Everyone else will hover around the coffee pot or box of coffee prior to the meeting, trying to be all sophisticated, talking about how the coffee in their office is crap and how when they were on vacation they had the best expresso and ladi f'ing da.  Coffee is for amateurs so you need to equip yourself with the latest portfolio of super ginseng infused energy drinks.  To show diversity, I suggest you start with a 16 oz. mountain dew just to show them you can go old school caffeine in a blink.  You also need to come with a three pack of the 5-hour energy drinks which will come in handy throughout the day as they can be strategically used (see further down).  Lastly, get one of those super sized 20oz cans of Rock Star or Monster energy drink.  Line up all your fluids in front of your laptop or notebook on your desk like trophies in the entrance to a school gymnasium.  Make sure everyone sees your prized portfolio and knows that you mean business.  If anyone comments on the ghastly array of super charged soda's, make sure you respond loudly about how you were up all night the night before.  Talk about how you left the hotel bar where everyone else was socializing to line up the hottest club in the city where you partied until dawn.  Maybe throw in that you drank red bull and vodka all night so you felt it appropriate to continue it into the meeting.  Not one hint of sarcasm should be added to your speech.

4.) Once the meeting starts, settle in and surf the internet for the first hour or so while they go through the mechanics of the session and some guy blathers on during the opening remarks.  Constantly elbow the person sitting next to you and point at your screen where you'll be displaying hilarious youtube videos streaming "not for work" content.  Take down that mountain dew in large chugs, and make loud noises to draw attention to yourself.  Roll your eyes, take off your shoes and prop your dogs up on the conference room table.  Being relaxed is key in a business meeting.

5.) The first bio break will come an hour or so into the meeting as everyone will need to drain the coffee.  Use that time to walk around the building and get acclimated to the setting.  Stop and flirt with every girl that walks by or occupies a desk.  When everyone gets back into the room, storm in and ask loudly, "whats the girls name down in accounting...jeez.....she's got a body!" or "Melissa in marketing is smoking hot, anybody know her extension number!" You get the point.  The main goal is to be sure that everyone is aware that your game and libido doesn't stop because you are at work.  This ain't no summer job.  You pimp for a living!!!!

6.) The next key is to make sure that you take a dominant role in the meeting.  Regardless of the topic, challenge anyone that is trying to make a point or advocate strategy.  Cut people off before they can finish, and say stuff like, "I don't know what that dude is talking about....what's your name??  Chip??  well Chip, you are dead wrong here and I'm fixing to tell you why."  In your explanations use a lot of big words, even if you don't know what they mean.  If people try to interject or counter your points just keep talking louder even if you have to yell.  Pound your fists on the table to make your points .  Verbal sparring is a good thing in the office and everyone will know that you mean no disrespect.  In fact, use that to start your interruptions, "Nothing personal or no disrespect" followed by something personal and disrespectful.

7.) Last but not least, anytime you get bored during the meeting or you disagree with a topic, get out one of the 5 hour energy drinks and toast the room and then chug it back and slam it down.  Make a witty statement like, "it's like oxygen for living things".  You can also use these drinks to liven up the room too.  Toss the guest speaker one if his presentation gets boring, or offer it under the table to people sitting around you and express that this is some highly illegal confidential sh*t.  The bottom line here is, drink enough and share enough 5 hour energy drinks to induce panic attacks and then sit back and enjoy the chaos that ensues.