[Editors Note, Carl has chosen to withhold his last name due to what he calls a persistent threat to his identity. We asked Carl, Strongman and (Non)certified Bodybuilding Enthusiast, to give us some strength & conditioning advice. Carl doesn't actually own a computer or know how to send emails. What follows are a series of voice mails left on Tom Hammer's answering machine.]  

Hi This is Tom Hammer........you know what to do...(sly wink and a gun not captured in message)- BEEP

"Whether you're looking to enter bodybuilding competitions or merely add some bulk muscle, it's time to separate fact from fiction in the weight room. Normally I would charge up to $250/hour to share these secrets, so take some freakin' notes. That skinny-necked Tom Hammer's been bustin' my balls to answer his fitness Q & As, so while I'm sittin' here in traffic, here goes: 
Q: Which gym should I join?
A: You wanna look for a place that's got plenty o' free weights and that don't beef if ya use chalk to grip the bars. And tests show that kick-ass rock music boosts metabolism. So find a joint that only plays the best rock music, Foghat, Thin Lizzie, Emerson Lake & Pamer. The classics.  
Q: What should I wear to the gym?
A: Got any Under Armour gear? Throw it in the freakin' trash can. Physical strength is 50% attitude (see below for full percentage breakdown), so when you look in the mirror you don't want to see some pansy that oughtta be playin' tennis. Ya wanna get a shirt that's a few sizes small and then cut off the sleeves. Let the lats breathe. The shirt should look like you could fight a bear at a moment's notice. And always wear a weight belt, even if you're just doin' cardio. And only fags do cardio. It's a fact. You can look it up. And bring a pair of black gloves in case ya run out of chalk. [Ed. note: Bohogan.com doesn't endorse any of the comments around sexual orientation]  
Q: Should I get a personal trainer?
A: Only if ya wanna look retarded. Best thing to do is just ask for a spotter, even if da person is on a treadmill or talking to someone else, just let 'em know ya need some help in the squat rack.  
Q: What's the best hour-long workout for the upper and lower body?
A: You just made yourself sound like a complete idiot. First of all, one hour? Look at the trapezoid muscles in my neck. You think I got those by takin' shortcuts? If you're committed to being healthy you need to devote entire days to a specific muscle. Mondays are neck. Tuesdays back. Wednesdays chest and tris. Et ceteras, et ceteras.  
Q: What about diet?
A: Regardless o' how many drinkin' fountains are in the joint, when you're at the gym ya wanna carry a jug full of distilled water for quick breaks. Distilled water lets the pores breathe and re-oxidizes the veins [Ed. Note - None of Carl's statements have been verified by the FDA]. And if you're just startin' out, ya wanna be eatin' at least 300 grams of protein a day. Most nights I eat a tube of bulk sausage or hamburger and a half dozen hard-boiled eggs. Fruits & vegetables cause joint stiffness, fatigue and lazy eyes. Carpe diem: consume them at your peril.  
Q: Should I work out if I'm sick or injured?
A: Most scientists agree that unless there's blood in your stools, it's safe to exercise. Last month I was scrapping for a valve cover for my IROC at my cousin's junkyard when a rat bit me and my forearm swelled up like a bastard. Did that stop me? No freakin' way. I drove to the gym wit the rat still dangling from my arm.  
Q: Is it okay to socialize at the gym?
A: Now I'm gonna talk about the rest of the bodybuildin' pyramid of success- Oooh, wait. Those idiot radio DJs finally played the song I requested. [Ed. Note - For the next 3:47 Carl sings along to Van Halen's "Pound Cake"]. As I was sayin', 50% of bodybuildin' is attitude. Time for the other percentages. I don't have a printer, but if you call Tom Hammer he'll probably print out a chart and mail it to you. [Ed. Note - Please don't call.]. There's 20% supplements, creatine, energy drinks and so forth. 18% is bein' tan. 9% is gear (see earlier note about clothing). 22% is genetics. And 83% is effort. If I ask a guy to spot me the last thing I want to hear is how busy he is. The only acceptable banter is a compliment like if you see a guy lookin' huge in the locker room...just say somethin' like "hey big man" or "nice meat".  
Q: Are some people born scrawny and disease-prown and therefore hopeless? [Ed. Note - Carl posed this question himself]. 
A: Without question, some of us have a huge advantage with the DNA. One look at me and you know I hit the genetics lottery. My great-uncle Fritz used to travel with the circus as a strongman and people'd pay to see him lift wagons of coal or immigrants. Nowadays you need a license to do that 'cause everyone's so PC. But even if you weren't born with natural gifts it's still possible to not look like a total freakin' embarrassment if you follow my fitness pyramid plan. Best idea is to send me a check for $250 and then I'll call you to discuss a personalized plan.   Alright, I finally got to the gym. Time to get jacked up and bring the noise, I like to go in there like a Sherman tank full o' cobras. Until next time, Carl is out!