In this day in age, communication mediums are in abundance and that allows for an over load of messaging that could over stimulate even the most docile dude/chick on the block. Whether you are lagging behind a bit in embracing all that technology can offer or your life parallels a cast member of the Hills who spend more time on their iPhones then they do ever actually speaking, (Ed. Note: Justin Bobby while understated is by far the most underrated comedic performer of his generation), you can always improve your communication skills. Whether your eating, watching TV, juggling, working out, gambling, drinking, thumb wrestling and or driving we all frantically try to stay current with our emails, text messages, instant messages, face booking, my spacing and heaven forbid Tweets at Twitter! (See our last post). As always, bo hogan is here to be sure that every reader has the playbook to successfully integrate any and all of these mediums into your already improving lifestyle. The T-Mobile Fab Five Message spot will show case our top five messages each week to hopefully demonstrate how to perfect the art of meaningless exchanges with friends, relatives and stalkers. (Ed. Note: T-Mobile has not returned our calls, emails and text messages to agree to the use of their company name as a promotional partner for this spot but we are somewhat confident the $1,000 worth of booze, smokes and lap dances we charged to a credit card opened up under Catherine Zeta Jones name will be reimbursed by them as compensation for the brand awareness we are driving) Enjoy. 5.) Context: This is an email message from a buddy of ours who was recently impacted by the financial morasse that has engulfed the banking industry. He is a down to business type guy with slicked back hair, and a wide repatoire of pin stripe suits. He's always very serious and almost never ends a sentence with out the tag line, "In the best interest of our client broker relationship I cannot advise you on personal matters". This email is out of character to say the least.
Friend: "You got to get your feelers out for me man. The bank I work for has decided to close our office. I can either transfer to Chicago later this year, be unemployed or go stage five bat sh*t crazy and kidnap my boss and hold him hostage until I'm either given my job back (with an increase in pay) or they pay an obscene amount of ransom that allows me to move to the Cayman islands and become a dive instructor! Maybe I could get a sweet gig like you got, work out of the house in my underwear all day, listening to iTunes, playing on-line poker while sipping mojitos. Let me know if you know of any jobs like that. I would be interested in working in my underwear! In fact my resume objective reads, "interested in pursuing a career that allows for personal space in effect that allows for me to work in my underwear!" Out.
4.) Context: This text was from one of our site contributors Sam Rothstein Jr. in response to a voice mail that I left him asking him for a weekly post consisting of him feeding our readers a lock of the week. A lock is a gambling term for a bet that is a sure fire can't lose certafied lock for success. Sam: "I'm in... super stone cold lock of the week, and it will more than likely be the most obscure thing you've ever heard of... like college women's field hockey (division III) lock of the week. Hammer, how about a daily post from Vegas too... we'll make it 5 days worth even though we won't be there that long. they dont have to know. very short, almost like gay twitter, and it probably shouldn't make any sense. Example post: "day 3 - no money. no food. kicked out of hotel. F'd a dude last night for $50. that'll be your post, not mine. another Kenny Powers quote: "I play real sports... not trying to be good at exercise"
3.) Context: This is an email from our resident health and exercise expert Carl the "Gym Guy" who apparently has successfully mastered the code to create web widgets that post pertinent information on porn stars running for public office.
2.) Context: This little gem of an email exchange was between Sam and I in preparation for our pending trip to Vegas next weekend. I'm convinced he needs Gamblers Anonymous more then I need Alcoholics Anonymous. You decide.
Sam: "There’s definitely a glitch in the matrix out in Vegas and its the texas hold em' table … it’s basically an ATM machine with no fee over at the Hard Rock. If I don’t win, I plan to turn to a life of crime. I was just thinking, since i'm going to have 24 hours or so until you guys get to Vegas, i'm going to do something i've always wanted to do but never had the balls. i'm going to sit at Caesars or Wynn or something (not bellagio where the pro's go) and play like 20/40 or 15/30 or something... what do you think, will i fold under the pressure, or leave that table with a plastic baggy full of black chips? you're jealous aren't you?"
Me: "Brilliant. High risk and high reward. That's how we roll. But if you are dead broke when I get there and can't spend countless hours at different table games with me then I will disown you and go on a binge drinking run that would make Nic Cage in Leaving Las Vegas queasy. In fact, I've went to the doctor and was fitted for a detector that will beep incessitently if my blood alcohol level ever gets below 0.2%.
Sam: "Shocker, you being drunk in Vegas is such a lock that I'd give you 4:1 if you could actually remember anything after 2:00am on any given night. the problem with sitting at a 20/40 table is getting me to leave if i'm not losing... i might not care that you're there, but you should understand that I'll be in a gamblers trance and potentially dangerous. if you see me, just approach slowly and speak softly so you don't startle me and then, once i know you're there, place some sort of bag or sack over my head, gather my chips and drag me the F out of there."
1.) Context: This text exchange comes from a friend of mine with whom I was discussing the NBA playoffs with in particular the Denver Nuggets series with the Lakers. If you aren't a die hard NBA fan you may not know the individual players here but let me give you some background. The "Bird Man" Chris Anderson, pictured above, is a heavily tatted, lengthy fo-hawk, spazz of a power forward who just returned to the league after a suspension for a heroin addiction. Travis Henry is a form NFL running back who's had more arrests then OJ and has 9 kids with 9 different women.
Friend: "Speaking of, this has turned out to be a very interesting NBA playoff. It's amazing how much Detroit has helped Denver by passing on Melo and trading Billups for old weed lungs Iverson. But between Nene, K-Mart and Chris Anderson, I'd say that the odds are 50/50 that the Nuggets commit some sort of off-court atrocity involving a strip club, guns, a Scarface poster and an el camino full of pit bulls...not to mention that Travis Henry still lives there!"
Me: "Do you think that the Bird Man ever watches the replay of a game and just cringes or reverts back to the needle after the announcers inevitably say, "And in comes Anderson, he is back in the league following a lengthy suspension for violating the substance abuse policy while fighting a heroin addiction!" In game 162 of the season they are still guaranteed to say those words when he enters the game. Why don't they say, "Kobe Bryant opens the game with a bucket, he is lucky to be in the league after his little affair in Denver where he got a little rough with a hotel employee and then dodged the inevitable rape charge!" I mean cmon, fair is fair.
Keeping our single goal and focus in mind, we at Bo Hogan Lifestyle Consultants feel obliged to warn you off a disturbing social networking trend that potentially could single handedly ruin all the momentum you've built and accolades you've received for living a bo hogan approved lifestyle. Similar to wearing a blue tooth in a crowded, dimly lit happy hour spot, this trend should not be followed. Quite frankly, and I hope you don't mind if we're frank, here are the top 10 reasons why twitter is gay (Ed. note: Once again we feel compelled to make the statement that we in no way are ailienating or bashing the gay and lesbian community. This is our attempt at humor. Sometimes our humor is gay!)
10) If I want to know what someone is up to, I’ll wait outside their house like a normal person. 9) I couldn’t possibly care less what’s on Ashton Kutchers simple mind at any given moment. That guy is gay (see picture above for proof) 8) Updates are called “tweets”. I think they should be called “gays” 7) Users who subscribe to someone’s updates are called “followers”. This is very cult like, and cults are gay 6) Twitter is the 3rd most used social networking site behind facebook and myspace. Only comedians and bands still use myspace, and it’s ahead of you, twitter. Gay. 5) Israel once held a worldwide press conference via twitter. I think everyone knows that Israel is gay… and therefore so is twitter. 4) As of April 2009, the person with the most followers on twitter was a British comedian named Stephen Fry. Who the fuck is Stephen Fry? 3) As of Today, the person with the most followers is Ashton Kutcher who was first to reach the one million follower mark. See # 9. 2)It's complete and utter vanity for people to think that anyone is interested in "what they are doing" every second of the day. Vanity has homo sexual tendencies. 1) Because you’re on twitter, and you’re gay.
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Even habitual bohogan.com readers are not immune to the recent economic downturn and regardless of how well versed you are at perfecting this lifestyle, at times you will get tricked, and exposed and some manager or supervisor will want to be a hero and cut the budget 25% so you become expendable because of your sky high salary that you’ve demanded and thus received.We’ll also throw in the fact that your manager is probably jealous of you and your success, if you are truly following the bo hogan rules, you may end up fired because of that jealousy.It’s part of the deal my friends, and as some real smart guy said probably during a black out moment at a local eatery turned night club, “what doesn’t kill you only makes you want to bounce back and kill somebody out of revenge!”I think that’s the saying but if it isn’t, it isn’t.Or as Notorious B.I.G said, “your reign on the top is short like leprechauns”!
While it’s sad to clear out your cubicle and box up drawers full of ketchup and hot sauce packets, the post it note list you made of all the women you’ve slept with, various office supplies you stole and will never use, as well as your pride our heart goes out to you but remind you that with every closed door a new one opens.Bohogan.com, like a midget at a urinal, is on our toes and willing and ready to help you out of this downsizing predicament.The following are critical skills and techniques you need to employ while preparing yourself for an upcoming job search.
Putting together a killer resume Bo Hogan style:
Let’s be honest here friends, lying is a key element to securing any high profile position.A good friend of mine once told me if you lie you must carry and own the lie.Own it so much that you actually believe the lie and convince yourself it really took place. This holds true for your resume’.Start with small lies and build up to the big ones.Your real college GPA was 2.03, your resume’ GPA is 3.02.If you only sold $2,000 worth of copiers last year, inflate that number to $20,000.
When describing your previous work experience, be sure to glorify everything. You need to sell yourself like an extremely profitable but equally as ugly hooker in Vegas. I don’t care if your last position was the mop boy at your local Jack Shack; your title was Lead Customer Service Specialist.If you flipped burgers at a fast food chain then you were a Quality Control Specialist for a Fortune 500 firm.If you have gaps in your resume’ where you were canned after 6 months, or you were holding out for a management position, stretch out your two previous jobs to cover it up or explain the gap by indicating a mission trip to Africa. No self-respecting Human Resources person is going to actually research your job history. If HR does ask to contact your previous employers, refuse their request by stating they informed you it would be too hard for them to talk about you because you touched so many people and left them speechless with a broken heart.
Under each past experience section make sure you use very precise action verbs and adjectives.For example, why say “responsible for managing and organizing company files” when you could say, “Tabbed with level 5 security access in order to covertly establish a rigorously coded system of file management to expand office efficiency while expediting research and search objectives”. Or supplement "janitorial duties" with "Certified master of the custodial arts."
In the hobbies section make sure beer pong, amateur gynecology and facebook are deleted. Your new hobbies are volunteering at a soup kitchen, reading 17th century literature, and learning a new language.
If you spice up your resume in these ways, you may receive outright job offers from prospective employers.But in the event they want to speak further…
Brilliant Interview Techniques:
Let’s be honest if you’ve been out of work for several months your communication skills are probably similar to Travis the Chimp, who ripped a women’s hands and face off (RIP Travis). You’ve immersed yourself in online poker, adult websites and Sudoku to dull the pain of unemployment.It’s time to sharpen your edge and prepare yourself to communicate like a real estate prospector selling ocean front property in Arizona. Make sure you do plenty of research on the company before the interview and become an expert in their area of business. If you find out who's interviewing you, maybe google that said person and equip yourself with some amunition in case things go bad. "Oh yea, well it looks like you and your team got last in the 2001 KeyBank Corporate olympics there chief AND you are a member of the Men's Dartball league at your church!'
Think positive; you’ve made it to the interview that means one of two things: 1) Your resume’ reads like Nikki Sixx’s book The Heroin Diaries!Awesome! or 2) The job you’re interviewing for does not require any formal education and the top earners last year made $200,000 (see everyone lies on their resume).You can also build confidence because you’ve been selective with what jobs you interview for because you know you will not succeed in a commission only environment where you are going door to door in an eight mile type part of town selling sweepers, insurance or financial services. You probably are lazy and do not want to be responsible for your own personal success.Aim high but not Mick Jagger high for crying out loud.
This brings us to the ultimate in verbal warfare, also known as the interview.You need to walk in to the interview and be the coolest guy on the planet; think Mickey Rourke in 9 ½ Weeks or George Clooney in From Dusk Til Dawn. (Ed. Note. If you haven’t watched either of these movies stop reading and don’t ever come back because you’re not ready to live a Bo Hogan lifestyle.)You need to project an image of success. Come dressed in your best Gordon Gecko suit and power tie; cover up your jailhouse tats after all you’re an idiot but damn you look good.Play ZZ Tops –Sharp Dressed Man on your ipod on your way to and from interview! Always arrive 10 minutes early for the interview. Any longer and you seem desperate. If the person interviewing you is a man shake his hand with your best Burt Reynolds grip, for a woman go for the dead fish.Bring in several copies of your masterpiece resume to share with the hiring manager or managers.Point out that you used recycle paper because you care about mother earth, even though you tossed 3 cans of Red Bull out of your 93 Ford Probe GT on your way to the interview.
Typically the first question out the gate is “Tell us a little bit about yourself.” SOFTBALL!!! It’s time to unleash hell. Talk about your upbringing from a poor lower middle class family where you learned about hard work and how to survive (Oprah’s Book club is getting moist as we speak). Go into a soul-searching speech about how you put yourself through college by working 3 jobs. Remember to throw in a comment about how you are the first in your family to graduate from college and that it was your mother’s lifelong dream to for you to graduate. If you can work a death or tragedy in, do it. When you start talking about your work experience remember to say a lot without saying anything. Use percentages, never actual numbers to describe your company ranking. Odds are you were the worst employee to ever walk through the doors; but today you rank in the top 15% and your performance evaluations were always stellar. After you’ve rambled on like a cackling hen for 5 to 10 minutes, the second question is sure to be where do you see yourself in 5 years. Now we know the ultimate goal is to do nothing and get paid for it. Thoughts of a tragic stapler incident and tus receiving 100K is probably running through your head.The best answer is “hopefully with the right training, work experience, drive and determination I can be as successful as you.” The hiring manager is already typing up your introduction letter to be emailed to everyone in the company. The last question you should be prepared for is “what motivates you.” Your answer should be; “I want to get up every day and know that I am making a difference.” The last interview technique is a common part of psycological war fare where you repeat any questions asked and pose them back to the interviewer. For example, the question might be, "How many people have you managed at one time?" and you say, something like, "How many people like me have you managed at one time?" Then quickly answer the question for them, "The answer is none because I am one of a kind a bonafied super star!" The bone white business cards with your name in raised lettering are being printed as we speak.
If all else fails and the interview starts to go awry, unbutton your jacket slowly, seductively lick your lips and ask the interviewer if they could give you directions to the gun show. Maybe drop down and rip off a dozen push ups, one armed if you are skilled. That's sure to impress and if it doesn’t and they ask you to leave, say something that doesn't make any sense like, "I already was leaving before I showed up for this beauty pageant!" Likely that will confuse them long enough so you can make a hasty exit and move on to then next interview.
Welcome to the introductory post of our new blog spot category, "readers reach around". We pride ourselves here at bohogan.com on providing top notch unsolicited advice and lifestyle consulting. We've touched on several critical topics all designed to give our readers a shove or donkey kick in the right direction. Now it's time to see if we are making a difference. Many readers have been using the contact Bo feature of this web site to submit questions and to share their lifestyle conquests. I think its only appropriate to share these success stories as well as expose people who have wrongly interpreted what a bohogan.com lifestyle is all about. We'll use a rating system based on a very complex formula of key metrics and derivative formulas which will yield a fist bump, high five or chest bump which all are positive ratings in order of approval. Or a big pile of turds rating. Submit your story to Contact Bo and we'll grade you out appropriately.
The following are real live posts shared by bohogan.com readers. Some have been modified a bit to bring the content in line from inmate worthy to somewhat appropriate. Enjoy.
Post #1 Name: Nago Hob Email: matt.metzgerm@gmail.com Comments: Just read your new Q&A. I could use some help. There was this one time back in college where I had the Keith Sweat playing in the bedroom while entertaining a young co-ed. Little did I know she had a deviated septum and was allergic to cats. By the time I figured it out... it was too late. My cat was in her hair and the sneezing started and next think I know I was drenched with snot, sweat and orange Gatorade. The sneezing kept escalating and the cat grew more entangled and I had a big mess. Without thinking I instinctively reached in my drawer and pulled out goggles and a nose plug and finished my biz. How did I do? Bo Says: If by "biz" you mean finishing your game of chess I think that is common courtesy. Nago, I'm not going to lie but this story sounds made up. We try to hold the utmost integrity on our web site in terms of respecting the female species and your story seems to yield a twinge of disrespect or irresponsibility. That said, your ability to instinctively react in an impossible situation does show the type of improvisation that we at bohogan.com feel is a necessity. Based on that we give you **Fist Bump.**
Post #2 Name: Junior Email: swpekarcik@backdoorlounge.net Comments: Hypothetically, if I took over as a DJ at a nightclub and I played a song that fits my lifestyle, can I replay that song again on repeat?? Or, if I'm not feeling a song midway through, can I scratch it to a halt and transition to a different song? Please advise. Bo Says: I have personal experience in this area as at one point in my life, I used to make a habit of going to bars super early before the crowd got there and made enough good friends with the bar employees that they would allow me and my friends to take over the DJ booth and play whatever we wanted while getting behind the bar and mixing up our own drinks. Inevitably, the long island ice teas' would take over and we would over stay our welcome in the booth and as patrons started to fill the bar we would fail to relinquish controls. Playing songs back to back or on repeat was a staple move of ours as was stopping songs midway through, although we would attempt to fade out, to play a different song. We also tried to be DJ Scribble and scratch the ones and twos. While we felt we were doing well, others including management, patron and police officers did not feel the same. Moral of the story is, unless you are a professional DJ you should leave the controls to someone who knows what they are doing. Hitting repeat on your favorite Garth Brooks cut in your car is one thing but doing it in a campus bar on hip-hop night is another. Also, you should leave the mixology of making a stiff long island up to a pro bar tender. You don't want to end up eating popcorn off the floor while wearing the hat and glasses of the town regular. Because your post made me wax nostalgic I'll give you a big **High Five**.
Post #3 Name: Concerned Rapper Email: talk2me@what.com Comments: Yo Bo. I have a brother that is engaged to a chick that has 5 kids with several different dudes and she is about as stable as a firecracker. Do you think I should tell him he is stupid or just drink a lot and try to get as crunk as you in this pic? Bo Says: The piture on the contact Bo page is complteetly out of con(hicup)text. I was tryin to chainge the CD on ma guitar plur and the carpit grebbed my toes, and I didn't want to drop my spensive cognac that I was drnking from my glass......ah.......GET THAT BOZO WEARIN GLASSES! (Said in my best Shooter from Hoosiers drunken dialect). As per your comment, while we endorse drinking to celebrate all occasions, drinking to suppress emotional guilt, sadness or confusion is not acceptable. Obviously the right thing to do here is take your brother out and get him completely hammered and make sure he hooks up with the trampiest girl in the bar, take lots of pictures and then post them all over his facebook page. Problem solved. Know what I'm saying...**Fist Bump**
Post #4 Name: Ademola Okulaja Email: epekarcik10@gamblers annonymous.com Comments: Mr. Hogan, I am an engineer, but I was wondering when you place a $5 bet at, say a horse track like Beulah Park for the Kentucky Derby and bet the number 8 horse at 50-1 odds, the horse wins, and I tell my wife that I bet the horse to show instead of the out-right win, and then spend the winnings on expensive alcohol that night, should I feel guilty or just plan happiness due to 1) winning on ridiculous odds 2) not letting my wife know the true extent of my winnings 3) pulling both off and not remembering how I got home? Bo Says: My friend, as Dickie V would say about the Okulaja who played for the Tar Heels, Okulaja, this guy is a PTP'er, a real diaper dandy, a real high flyer pack your bags and up up and away. And get this, his moms and engineer baby, his moms an engineer baby!!!! Love the name and I love that you are an engineer. Ok, this is by far the best example of somebody employing the bohogan.com lifestyle consulting advice in a common situation that almost all of us face every day. Taking the 50-1 odds to win is just genious first off, and then pulling the ol' Utep two step on the wifey and leaving yourself with a cash cushion to buy and drink lots of expensive alchohol..its...its...(sniff, sniffle, sniff)....just brilliant and now I"m all choked up. **FLYING CHEST BUMP followed by jubilant hugs and a hoisting onto my shoulders and carrying off the field"
That's all we have time for today folks. Please keep hitting us up at Contact Bo and let us know how you are living the bo hogan lifestyle.
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