Having enough testicular fortitude to live a bohogan.com approved lifestyle is indeed a difficult endeavor.  Whether at home or on the road there are plenty of opportunities to lapse into a mundane existence.  This particular blog will focus on some crucial work elements of a bohogan.com lifestyle.  The key is focus and discipline and the confidence to know you can step your game up and achieve that balance or lack there of that typifies what we lifestyle consultants strive for on a daily basis, 100% unfiltered, non-watered down, non-subtle, top of the mountain screaming, heavy breath and powerful thrust making awesomeness where you maximize each and every opportunity to live the most fun life known to man or woman. 

Now that I've got you properly motivated, ala Carl the "Gym Guy", its time to introduce the new topic.  This topic is for those working people out there who struggle to keep their head up and eyes open during presentations and meetings at work.  Anyone who works in an office, has at some time participated in an all day meeting in a conference room with several co-workers, going over strategy or covering critical topics.  These meetings are often "off-site" in some location or another and everyone travels in to attend.  Some people look forward to these meetings as you get to meet other employees and brown nose with superiors.  Others see the benefit of being face to face in a collaborative setting working together and sharing ideas.  We at bohogan.com see this type of meeting as a prime setting to demonstrate just exactly what a bo hogan lifestyle is and impress upon others that this isn't your first rodeo and like a hooker in a casino you mean business.  If you follow the well thought out tips below, we can guarantee that not only will you dominate these off-site business meetings but you also will set yourself up for lasting success in your job.  Your bosses and co-workers will be so impressed that I'm pretty sure they will start throwing money at you like your a well tanned oily stripper in a downtown Atlanta club.  If your bosses and co-workers are not impressed, then obviously they don't appreciate talent and probably have never even been to a gentlemens establishment where your senses are brightly aware and the beer tastes like nectar and everything else smells like cotton candy.  Where "Pour Some Sugar on Me" floods out of the jukebox like a rampaging river, treating your ears to a white water ride that you'll never forget.  Where your hands sting from high fiving your buddies after you've successfully arranged for the fat girl to hit the VIP room with the bachelor.  Ah yes, God bless those women and club owners for what they do.  Wait, now where was I...................oh yes, we have just entered the Algonquin room in the office tower on West 48th St. downtown (insert big city and corporate headquarter). (Editors note: Tom Hammer mentons hookers and strippers in an opening blog paragraph, yes we are aware, and he is seeking therapy)

1.) Make sure you arrive somewhat late, or late enough so that most of the other people have began to gather and are taking their seats in the room.  Make sure you have your blue tooth on (you have a free pass from normal ridicule (see Mailbag #1) and as you enter start screaming at the top of your lungs, "BUY....SELL....SHORT IT.... BUY, BUY,  BUY, BUY, SELL..... BUY!"  This will impress everyone.  After you turn off the phone, mouth to the guy next to you, "Asian markets just closed!"

2.) Make sure you appropriately dress down for the meeting.  If you know its casual, take it the next level with a Hawaiian shirt or some type of mock turtle neck.  If you know its formal and everyone will wear suits, make sure you wear a sport coat over your mock turtle next with jeans or khaki's.  The purpose is to stand out and make sure everyone knows you walk to the beat of your own drum.  Don't be afraid to accessorize.  Loud watches, shoe laces and gold chains are permitted.

3.) Staying  hydrated during these sessions is crucial and what you hydrate yourself with is of the utmost importance.  Everyone else will hover around the coffee pot or box of coffee prior to the meeting, trying to be all sophisticated, talking about how the coffee in their office is crap and how when they were on vacation they had the best expresso and ladi f'ing da.  Coffee is for amateurs so you need to equip yourself with the latest portfolio of super ginseng infused energy drinks.  To show diversity, I suggest you start with a 16 oz. mountain dew just to show them you can go old school caffeine in a blink.  You also need to come with a three pack of the 5-hour energy drinks which will come in handy throughout the day as they can be strategically used (see further down).  Lastly, get one of those super sized 20oz cans of Rock Star or Monster energy drink.  Line up all your fluids in front of your laptop or notebook on your desk like trophies in the entrance to a school gymnasium.  Make sure everyone sees your prized portfolio and knows that you mean business.  If anyone comments on the ghastly array of super charged soda's, make sure you respond loudly about how you were up all night the night before.  Talk about how you left the hotel bar where everyone else was socializing to line up the hottest club in the city where you partied until dawn.  Maybe throw in that you drank red bull and vodka all night so you felt it appropriate to continue it into the meeting.  Not one hint of sarcasm should be added to your speech.

4.) Once the meeting starts, settle in and surf the internet for the first hour or so while they go through the mechanics of the session and some guy blathers on during the opening remarks.  Constantly elbow the person sitting next to you and point at your screen where you'll be displaying hilarious youtube videos streaming "not for work" content.  Take down that mountain dew in large chugs, and make loud noises to draw attention to yourself.  Roll your eyes, take off your shoes and prop your dogs up on the conference room table.  Being relaxed is key in a business meeting.

5.) The first bio break will come an hour or so into the meeting as everyone will need to drain the coffee.  Use that time to walk around the building and get acclimated to the setting.  Stop and flirt with every girl that walks by or occupies a desk.  When everyone gets back into the room, storm in and ask loudly, "whats the girls name down in accounting...jeez.....she's got a body!" or "Melissa in marketing is smoking hot, anybody know her extension number!" You get the point.  The main goal is to be sure that everyone is aware that your game and libido doesn't stop because you are at work.  This ain't no summer job.  You pimp for a living!!!!

6.) The next key is to make sure that you take a dominant role in the meeting.  Regardless of the topic, challenge anyone that is trying to make a point or advocate strategy.  Cut people off before they can finish, and say stuff like, "I don't know what that dude is talking about....what's your name??  Chip??  well Chip, you are dead wrong here and I'm fixing to tell you why."  In your explanations use a lot of big words, even if you don't know what they mean.  If people try to interject or counter your points just keep talking louder even if you have to yell.  Pound your fists on the table to make your points .  Verbal sparring is a good thing in the office and everyone will know that you mean no disrespect.  In fact, use that to start your interruptions, "Nothing personal or no disrespect" followed by something personal and disrespectful.

7.) Last but not least, anytime you get bored during the meeting or you disagree with a topic, get out one of the 5 hour energy drinks and toast the room and then chug it back and slam it down.  Make a witty statement like, "it's like oxygen for living things".  You can also use these drinks to liven up the room too.  Toss the guest speaker one if his presentation gets boring, or offer it under the table to people sitting around you and express that this is some highly illegal confidential sh*t.  The bottom line here is, drink enough and share enough 5 hour energy drinks to induce panic attacks and then sit back and enjoy the chaos that ensues. 

[Editors Note, Carl has chosen to withhold his last name due to what he calls a persistent threat to his identity. We asked Carl, Strongman and (Non)certified Bodybuilding Enthusiast, to give us some strength & conditioning advice. Carl doesn't actually own a computer or know how to send emails. What follows are a series of voice mails left on Tom Hammer's answering machine.]  

Hi This is Tom Hammer........you know what to do...(sly wink and a gun not captured in message)- BEEP

"Whether you're looking to enter bodybuilding competitions or merely add some bulk muscle, it's time to separate fact from fiction in the weight room. Normally I would charge up to $250/hour to share these secrets, so take some freakin' notes. That skinny-necked Tom Hammer's been bustin' my balls to answer his fitness Q & As, so while I'm sittin' here in traffic, here goes: 
Q: Which gym should I join?
A: You wanna look for a place that's got plenty o' free weights and that don't beef if ya use chalk to grip the bars. And tests show that kick-ass rock music boosts metabolism. So find a joint that only plays the best rock music, Foghat, Thin Lizzie, Emerson Lake & Pamer. The classics.  
Q: What should I wear to the gym?
A: Got any Under Armour gear? Throw it in the freakin' trash can. Physical strength is 50% attitude (see below for full percentage breakdown), so when you look in the mirror you don't want to see some pansy that oughtta be playin' tennis. Ya wanna get a shirt that's a few sizes small and then cut off the sleeves. Let the lats breathe. The shirt should look like you could fight a bear at a moment's notice. And always wear a weight belt, even if you're just doin' cardio. And only fags do cardio. It's a fact. You can look it up. And bring a pair of black gloves in case ya run out of chalk. [Ed. note: Bohogan.com doesn't endorse any of the comments around sexual orientation]  
Q: Should I get a personal trainer?
A: Only if ya wanna look retarded. Best thing to do is just ask for a spotter, even if da person is on a treadmill or talking to someone else, just let 'em know ya need some help in the squat rack.  
Q: What's the best hour-long workout for the upper and lower body?
A: You just made yourself sound like a complete idiot. First of all, one hour? Look at the trapezoid muscles in my neck. You think I got those by takin' shortcuts? If you're committed to being healthy you need to devote entire days to a specific muscle. Mondays are neck. Tuesdays back. Wednesdays chest and tris. Et ceteras, et ceteras.  
Q: What about diet?
A: Regardless o' how many drinkin' fountains are in the joint, when you're at the gym ya wanna carry a jug full of distilled water for quick breaks. Distilled water lets the pores breathe and re-oxidizes the veins [Ed. Note - None of Carl's statements have been verified by the FDA]. And if you're just startin' out, ya wanna be eatin' at least 300 grams of protein a day. Most nights I eat a tube of bulk sausage or hamburger and a half dozen hard-boiled eggs. Fruits & vegetables cause joint stiffness, fatigue and lazy eyes. Carpe diem: consume them at your peril.  
Q: Should I work out if I'm sick or injured?
A: Most scientists agree that unless there's blood in your stools, it's safe to exercise. Last month I was scrapping for a valve cover for my IROC at my cousin's junkyard when a rat bit me and my forearm swelled up like a bastard. Did that stop me? No freakin' way. I drove to the gym wit the rat still dangling from my arm.  
Q: Is it okay to socialize at the gym?
A: Now I'm gonna talk about the rest of the bodybuildin' pyramid of success- Oooh, wait. Those idiot radio DJs finally played the song I requested. [Ed. Note - For the next 3:47 Carl sings along to Van Halen's "Pound Cake"]. As I was sayin', 50% of bodybuildin' is attitude. Time for the other percentages. I don't have a printer, but if you call Tom Hammer he'll probably print out a chart and mail it to you. [Ed. Note - Please don't call.]. There's 20% supplements, creatine, energy drinks and so forth. 18% is bein' tan. 9% is gear (see earlier note about clothing). 22% is genetics. And 83% is effort. If I ask a guy to spot me the last thing I want to hear is how busy he is. The only acceptable banter is a compliment like if you see a guy lookin' huge in the locker room...just say somethin' like "hey big man" or "nice meat".  
Q: Are some people born scrawny and disease-prown and therefore hopeless? [Ed. Note - Carl posed this question himself]. 
A: Without question, some of us have a huge advantage with the DNA. One look at me and you know I hit the genetics lottery. My great-uncle Fritz used to travel with the circus as a strongman and people'd pay to see him lift wagons of coal or immigrants. Nowadays you need a license to do that 'cause everyone's so PC. But even if you weren't born with natural gifts it's still possible to not look like a total freakin' embarrassment if you follow my fitness pyramid plan. Best idea is to send me a check for $250 and then I'll call you to discuss a personalized plan.   Alright, I finally got to the gym. Time to get jacked up and bring the noise, I like to go in there like a Sherman tank full o' cobras. Until next time, Carl is out!

 

As is the case for over 99% of my time I am thinking about vacation.  And if I had one lifestyle consulting tip to pass on to the readers here it would be to take as many vacations as you can feasibly fit into your schedule and budget.  Now, while I'm not opposed to the Chevy Chase style, pack up the family truckster, tie the dog to the rear bumper, ramp a station wagon 50 feet over a "road closed" sign, tie your Aunt Edna to the roof of your car, dance with a bologna sandwhich, hold up John Candy at Wally world, type vacation.  I will say that going the all-inclusive resort route is 100% bohogan approved.  Whether its the Carribean, Mexico, South America, France or Indonesia, a good all-inclusive resort just drips with opportunity to live a bohogan lifestyle.  If you've never been or if you are considering going again, below are my 10 unsolicited tips to guarantee you have the best vacation ever. Even better then packing up the wagon queen family truckster and traveling 3,000 miles across country to see a God damn moose.  PRAISE MARTY MOOSE!!!!!

1.) Selection of the resort is of the utmost importance.  I don't know about you, but when I'm on vacation without my kids (I guess this is all my vacations since my three kids with three different women all know me as the "guy who sends the checks"  **Note: I'm just kidding, I really don't have any kids.....that I know of) I certainly don't want to vacation with other peoples kids.  The only guy I know that likes to find the "child friendly" resort while traveling alone is now in jail.  Guess why??  Pervert.  Adults only is the way to go.  The really cool bonus about adults only is sometimes "adults only" means like hedinism or is some type of soft porn resort.  This one time, my soon to be fiance' and I walked into a resort only to be greeted by an orgasm contest at the pool.  Classy.

2.) Even if you've never really been a big tipper, the first time you go to the resort bar make sure you give the bar tender a nice fat Benjamin.  Twenty bucks may seem like a big tip for two "free" drinks but in the long run, it'll work out for you.  See, you basically just paid for the guys rent so he'll definitely take it upon himself to make sure regardless of where you are in line, or what you actually order, he'll reward you immediately with a drink that's strong as kerosene.  A couple of those and you'll be ready to participate in tequila volleyball where the losers have to walk naked around the pool.  Why don't they tell you the rules before you sign up for crying out loud.  How embarrassing....for those idiots that play tequila volleyball.  Last bartender tip is make sure you don't speak really loud and slow to the bartender even if he doesn't speak English.  Chances are he can understand it there chief.

3.) Don't drink the water

4.) Whatever you do, disregard the people who are up late at night or up early in the morning putting their towels on pool side chairs to "save" them for the next day.  This is one of the most annoying things about these type of resorts.  Generally, people like to lay by the pool on vacation so naturally they want the "good" spot that's in the sun or shade.  I have an easy way to circumvent the process.  Get up when you normally would, walk down to the pool, find an empty chair that suits your liking and then throw the towel that occupies the chair into the ocean.  A.) You don't have to get up early or stay up late. B.) You get a great spot C.) Nobody can prove anything because some shark probably has ate the towel.  Genius!!!

5.) Always visit the local downtown area closest to where you are staying.  Go to the especially touristy joints, where you get the yard long beers and they come around blowing whistles pouring tequila in your mouth.  Great people watching and you get real hammered.

6.) All inclusive resorts are a people watchers paradise in of themselves.  Make certain you leave plenty of  time and expend plenty of effort each day to come up with nicknames for other guests.  You stay four, five, six days somewhere that's all inclusive and you probably are running into the same people over and over again.  Make great friends with these people.  Consider inviting them to your wedding.  If you see a guy in the gift shop buying a white linen shirt and white linen pants call him "Linen on linen".  If you see a guy whose obviously with his girl friend at the resort but spends his day by the pool checking out other chicks call him "head on a swivel".  If you are in the jacuzzi with a nice lady and she gets out and only has one leg call her "stumpy".  Make sure you spend the rest of the trip referring to these people by nickname to your partner.  "Hey honey, I was at the pool and saw Linen on Linen all hammered at the bar and Head on a Swivel was making out with Stumpy."

7.) Drink a sh*t load everyday for free.  Except for the twenty bucks up front.  See #2.

8.) Avoid buying weed from Rasta looking guys on the street corner.  That sh*t ain't real.  It may look like Jamaican but it's really ground up palm leaves.  If you are a big weed smoker and you are in the Caribbean and they are playing Bob Marley, I understand the temptation.  If you are hard up, go find the guy named "Fin" who hangs out on the beach all day, not trying to sell things, but just sitting there all spaced out.  He probably can hook you up.  **Note: None of these stories are from personal experience.  Believe me, I'd never nickname someone "stumpy". That's rude.

9.) Don't expect that the dinner buffets are going to be as good or safe as a KFC all you can eat buffet.  Honestly, give me one second to pick one restaurant and I'll pick KFC buffet every time.  60% of the time, that place is great every time.  The point here is, be careful what you eat at these buffets.  Avoid the exotic foods, and avoid calamari or any other strange seafood that you typically wouldn't eat.  I'm two for two on food poisoning after eating calamari in the Caribbean.  Maybe it has something more to do with a food allergy now that I think about it.  Sh*t, I'm allergic to calamari.  Son of a b*tch!!!

10.) Don't be afraid to get involved in all the activities that the friendly staff pushes on you.  I never would of thought I'd be doing water aerobics every morning with "Spit and Swallow" my two gay friends from New Jersey.  While it may seem intruding that some staff member is blowing a whistle in your face while you are napping on the beach, they really are just super stoked to get you in the beach volleyball game.  I hate to let people down so I'm always a willing participant.  Plus, you get to make a lot of great friends and come up with a lot of great nicknames that will last a life time.