The Slap Heard Around My World by Tom Hammer 02/05/2010
 Artest being restrained in Detroit I'm probably the only NBA fan who when hearing two words, "punch" and "Pacers" in a sentence, doesn't immediately think of Ronnie Artest wading up into the stands in Detroit to hurl several hay makers at fans who had doused him with draft beer. No, something quite different comes to mind and the slow sting of bruised up pride and ashamed embarrassment floods over me and soon my mind slips away to row 15 section 20 @ Canseco Fieldhouse. Before I go into this story, let me just say that this is an absolutely and positively honest account of a situation that I encountered. Let me start from the beginning. I'm a Boston Celtics fan. Have been my whole life. Some of my fondest childhood memories were watching the C's battle the Lakers. I would hang on every shot by Larry Bird, every rebound by the Chief and every up and under by McHale. I would cringe anytime the camera got that classic close up of DJ at the foul line. I would shout obscenities just like Danny Ainge after a particularly bad call. I nicknamed my goldfish "Cornbread" after Maxwell and my turtle "Tiny" after Archibald. I've suffered through the unfortunate and untimely deaths of Len Bias and Reggie Lewis. The equally painful drafts that included the likes of Brad Lohaus, Brian Shaw, Dee Brown, Rick Fox and Acie Earl of whom I'd often said had a worse career then Len Bias who died before every taking the floor in an NBA game. I've stuck by the green and white through every ill advised Antoine Walker three and every Ron Mercer fade away, through Chris Fords unfortunate mustache and Joe Klien's amazingly snug shorts in which I'm still convinced he hid a pet boa constrictor. So it was no surprise to my wife and anybody that knows me that several years ago, when the last place Celtics came to Indianapolis to play the Pacers I clamored for tickets like it was the NBA finals game 7. The C's weren't the present day "big three" Celts this was the young Paul Pierce minus Antoine Walker C's who led the league in turnovers missed threes and attempted block shots. The Pacers were good as this was the Reggie Miller led Indy squad with the pipe hitting Davis brothers, Jalen Rose and the dunking Dutchman Rick Smits who owned one of the more underrated staches of all time. It was blonde, pencil thin and so, so creepy. I went to the game with low expectations. My wife, girlfriend at the time, Mishawna had to prod me to even throw on my favorite green tee with the cigar smoking leprechaun twirling a ball on his finger. So I stuffed myself into it even though I had out grown the size medium several years prior. Once arriving to Canseco I could tell there was a little electricity in the air. It was Larry Bird bobble head night complete with the shoddy permed out hair and push broom dusty. They gave one to the first 1,000 fans so of course I got one being that we needed to arrive several hours early to watch warm ups. The seats were good in Section 20, which is behind the hoop but low. Not quite ear piece level, I'll explain all the seat designations at NBA games for a later post, but low enough to see that the Pace mates were mostly past their prime ex-strippers who muffin topped out of their tight sequence boy shorts. My usual behavior at any basketball game typically consists of lots of barking at the referees, snide remarks to opposing fans and relentless heckling of the other team. For some reason, despite more prodding from my girlfriend, I remained well behaved through out the entire first half. Not even a loud "TURD" chant when Miller was at the line. No, "Hey Dusty, pull up your shorts or tuck in your underwear!" insult at Smits. Nothing. I sat silent and watched a good NBA basketball game, sipped my beer, nibbled on a pretzel and watched my C's get down by 10 at the halftime buzzer. I think it was that time of the season when the C's were basically playing for draft lottery position and my hopes for the playoffs had already been smashed with a hammer, kicked by mule and smothered with a pillow. Maybe that's what made me so docile. Or maybe it was the devils lettuce? As I went to the concession for a hot dog, nachos and ice cream, I remarked to Mishawna how nice the Pacers fans were and how they really knew basketball. They clapped at appropriate times and appreciated the small fundamentals of the game rewarding their players for hustle plays and good passing. Little did i know that there also were some mentally unstable violent fans with an affinity for sucker punching innocent bystanders. As the 3rd quarter tipped, I noticed that the Pacers left their intensity in the locker room and the undermanned Celtics came out firing. The lead started to diminish. The crowd started to get restless. By the 5 minute mark the game was tied and the C's had the ball. Paul Pierce had the ball at the elbow and executed a perfect step back jumper. Sensing the upset, I slowly got to my feet and started clapping as the teams went to the bench. It wasn't an obnoxious clap aimed at drawing the faithfuls ire. It was an appreciative clap, understanding that a team with nothing to play for was giving an earnest effort. Then it happened. I felt somebody stand up behind me and push through the crowd for what seemed to me a trip to the aisle way. All of sudden out of nowhere I felt this powerful "THWWACK!" straight across my face. Shocked, I twirled around and I saw some grown ass man with child like features standing in the aisle with double middle fingers up, looking at me screaming "F*CK YOU MAN!, F*CK YOU MAN!" He seemed distraught like he was going to cry. And then he sprinted up the stairs to the exit. Still somewhat stunned, I instinctively start clawing through my row heading towards the isle. I'm not much of a fighter but the adrenaline had crept in and I was all kinds of fired up. I felt a hand around my arm dissuading me from pursuit. I turned and its Mishawna and I pause to notice that she is dying laughing. Like in tears, violently shaking laughter. I start to get even more pissed and I'm yelling. "What the hell just happened?" I started to examine the crowd with my arms up, like "what the f?". Nobody would make eye contact and a few people were snickering. I grew more and more incensed. "HOW CAN SOMEBODY JUST PUNCH SOMEBODY AT A BASKETBALL GAME?" I was screaming. Still no answers, no sympathy. I felt like the butt of a joke. Missy finally calmed herself down and whispers, he didn't punch you he slapped you. Sensing that this wasn't what I wanted to hear, she put her hand up to her mouth like.."shhhhhhh". I'm still enraged. She can't quit laughing though as I berated her with questions. "Where was he sitting? Who was he with?". I got snot bubbles and hysteria, doubled over laughter. I'm way tired of it by this point and I said in my sternest voice possible, "Look, its not f*cking funny. That hurt and I don't appreciate you laughing". Finally she caught her breath and said, "you can't be mad". I responded, "Why the hell not". Then she droped it on me. "He was....he was special!". My mind wasn't functioning and I couldn't comprehend. I said "what do you mean special." She said, "he wasn't all up there Tom, he was retarded!" My face turned twelve shades of purple and I buried my head in my hands. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I just looked at Missy, grabbed my beer and finished it in one swallow. I barely remember the rest of the game and in fact I can't even remember who won. What I do remember is that weekend I'm at a bar with some friends and I'm telling them the story. I get finished and all my boy can say is, "Dude, you got b*tch slapped by a re-tard at a basketball game!" in between howls of laughter. So no, when I see people in Indianapolis wearing the old Indianapolis Puncher shirt made after the Auburn Hills Palace incident, I don't think of Ron Artest, I think of the "special" one and his five fingers who talked to my face and said....slap!!! I A Nobody from Indy 02/01/2010
 Hey folks, once again our content has been as intermittent as a 80 year old piss stream due to an enlarged prostate!!! That said, we promise to ramp up our effort. Apparently becoming a full time professional gambler, holding down a "regular" job and trying to tie off all 15 of your new years resolutions proves to create a time crunch. That said, it isn't lost on us that a lot of you readers are completely paralyzed in your day to day as you don't have fresh content from our esteemed lifestyle consultants to keep you going. That can and will change. To start with, let me provide a link to the newest and best blog on the internet from a high esteemed bohogan.com contributor. The Nobody from Indywill be a definite bookmark and frequently visited resource for all bohogan consultants. We all have some ideas to do some back and forth, to and fro', mano-emano type banter!! It will be rich and compelling. BTW, I want to clear up a few things under FAQ. #1, Yes, Bohogan.com is pager friendly. #2, Masturbating on a plan is not illegal is just is frowned upon. Leroys Lounge: Bowl Update 12/24/2009
Based on the toilet paper in my trees, eggs dripping off my windows and plastic forks in my yard I'm guessing the betting public was less then thrilled with the gambling advice laid forward here on the web site thus far. Current Standings: THE Don Trotter: 1-3 bohogan consultant staff: 1-2 But like Dickie V. said in his emotion stirring speech, "don't give up...don't ever give up!" (Ed. Note: Tom Hammer was caught weeping in front of his pc, dozens of times during Jimmie V. week as he replayed the ESPY speech) Don Trotter will be back with some super stone cold pipe hitting locks that are guaranteed to pay for your Xmas and then some. There are some serious leans right now in the direction of "the U", Arkansas, UCLA and some hard hitting over/under calls. Stay tuned. The staff (Hammer and Rothstein Jr.) would like to bring forward a Xmas eve special tonight just for those dedicated readers who have taken the time on Xmas eve to actually read this site. I think there were 100 hits yesterday in looking at the stats so I appreciate those of you who are accidentally navigating to our cite while you were really trying to access your bodog.com account. Christmas Eve Special: Nevada-13 over SMU- The Mustangs are in a bowl game for the first time it seems since Eric Dickerson and his rec spec goggles donned a red and blue uniform. Their defense is as soft as a hershey kiss in the summer and even though Nevada will be missing 2,000 yards worth of rushing in the form of injuries, I literally think they could plug in a polio stricken sailor and rush for 200. This game may set the record for points in the game. The over/under is currently set at 72 and is tempting to take the over. Nevada's defensive backs remind me of five #22 McDonalds from the Cleveland Browns. On a side note, have you ever seen a player that is so bad, #22 McDonald, that you have to wonder whether the player has some serious black mail information on a coach hence the extended amounts of PT that player is getting. I think Brandon #22 McDonald has some photo's of Eric Mangini that would make Oscar Delahoya's lingirie escapades look like Good House Keeping fodder. At any rate, take the Wolfpack and lay the points. I don't care if June Jones makes his return to Hawaii, was that guy ever a good coach anyway? Leroys Lounge: College Bowl Kick-Off 12/18/2009
Here's the rub, the scoop the shizzle. In an effort to give our readers a chance to get a jump start on recouping that money you just spent on the sham-wow or snuggie for your loved one, we want to post Don Trotter's exclusive college bowl picks. For grins and giggles, Sam Rothstein and myself will provide our own personal picks, if anything to show you how professional Mr. Trotter actually is vs. the two of us who are really semi-professionals more adept at performing bookie services vs. actually capping games ourselves. We will keep a running record of The Don's picks as always. It takes a great deal of testicular fortitude to make your plays public but the Don just has that kind of make up. He is a pit bull, dirt eating, muscular, snake biting, bear kicking, cage fighter who also happens to be smart, handsome, and magical. (Ed. Note: Whoa, WTF?) Here's the picks: The DON!! Fresno - 11 vs. Wyoming O/U 55 I know Fresno St has a pretty good running back, but other than that? Wyoming did get whipped by BYU, Texas and TCU, but Fresno is not in their category. As for the teams Wyoming has beaten, well to be blunt about it, they have all been fucking terrible. Fresno started out 1-3, but played Cincy, Boise and Wisconsin. I know just looking at schedules can be pretty deceiving, but it seems Fresno is the better team. I know 11 is a lot of points, but Fresno played Wisconsin and Illinois down to the wire. Those two games stick out at me because I would assume Wyoming just don’t have the athletes the Badgers and Zookers have. I will lay the points, and take Fresno -11. With that said, I like the over/under as a much better bet. Both defenses are ranked at the bottom in scoring defense, giving up 30 points a game. Fresno is ranked a top the NCAA in scoring offense, 14th, scoring 34.3. I think it could be a relatively high scoring game and will take the over 55. Mark it: Fresno -11 & O55 Hammer and Rothstein Jr!! This just in, Fresno is really only a stones throw from Vegas. We looked it up on Google Maps and you can literally get their by car, bus or public transit (Greyhound). After arguing about whether Greyhound is public transit or mass transit, and then agreeing that "who gives a rats a$$", we settled in on the fact that its doubtful that the best athletes in Wyoming play football. They ride bulls and hog tie steers. That said, we like Fresno to laso these Cowboys. Mark it: Fresno -11. THE DON!!!! Central Florida +2.5 vs. Rutgers O/U 44.5 I know a bit more about both these teams than Fresno/Wyoming. (Ed Note: It's a proven fact that the more you drink the more you know!) I watched both of these teams play a couple times this season. Central Florida was able to beat Houston and their passing attack, and although the score isn’t indicative of the actual game, they actually played “The U” pretty tough as well. Rutgers played some pretty good teams solid this year, however, I am not sold on their Freshman quarterback. In the games I watched, when he played against good defenses, he struggled. Central Florida’s defense is very good, ranked 4th in the Nation against the run. I think Central Florida will stack the box and make Savage beat them and I don’t think he will. I like the dog and will take Central Florida +2.5. Mark it: Central Florida +2.5 Hammer and Rothstein Jr!! Interesting that C. Floriday played the "U" tough. On a side note that ESPN 30/30 episode on the "U" made me want to set up a smoke machine in my basement for when I play EA Sports College Football 2004. On to the game at hand, I also learned this week that Michael Jordan's son Marcus plays for the Central Florida basketball team. The similarities stop at the name on the jersey b/c Marcus wears rec specs and hiked up socks with knee pads. He looks like a dorky Buck Ewing. But seriously, in consideration of this football game, Rutgers is in New Jersey right? Isn't Atlantic city in Jersey? We love the boardwalk so we love Rutgers to cover.Mark It: Rutgers -2.5 THE DON!!!! Southern Miss -3.5 vs. Middle Tenn. St. O/U 58.5 You can literally flip a coin on this game. Both teams averages, offensively and defensively, are just about the same, as are their ranks in the nation in those categories. This game will probably go down to the wire, maybe who has the ball last. The over/under seems high, considering both defenses seem to be a bit better than the offenses. With that said, I haven’t seen either team play and wouldn’t bet either the spread or the over/under with Tiger Wood money that he spends on hookers. But if I HAVE to make a selection, I would take the under 58.5. If I had to pick the winner, I would take Southern Miss -3.5, Mark it: Under 58.5 Hammer and Rothstein Jr Man, is Middle Tenn St. in a bowl game? We're talking about Middle Tenn St. in a bowl game? In a BOWL game!!! Look, we could be sitting here talking about any ol' game but we're talking about a BOWL game. Not Tennesse, Not Kentucky, Not Tennesee St. but Middle Tenn State. In a BOWL game. I'm a franchise player and we're in here talking about this team in a bowl game? Middle Tenn St? If Don Trotter says their in a bowl game, then their in a bowl game that's it! But we're in here talking about Middle Tn Mark it: Southern Miss -3.5  Tom Hammer here, and like Herb Dean in the UFC, I'm here to step in between the boiling feud that has enveloped Leroys Lounge during the college football gambling season and bring some clarity and fairness of measure to this flaming situation between Don Trotter and Chazz Speedman. Because as all my friends know, I'm firm but I'm fair!!! First and foremost, bohogan lifestyle consultants, are always here to help our knowledge thirsty readers and with heavy degenerate gambling being a cornerstone to every bohogan lifestyle, we hope that the open dialog between Mr. Trotter and Chazz Speedman has served beneficial in helping you cap your college football score card. If you lost tons of money on any of the picks that failed to hit, my advise to you is move far away from whatever bookie you owe or if you bet online I'd advise beginning the process to change your identify. Both are completely legitimate ways to handle your $$ problems. More than likely, the astute readers of this blog are probably up thousands of dollars and have plans in the work to host a Monte Carlo night in their basement. Now, as it involves our two controversial cappers, I feel 100% obligated to provide complete transparency to how the football season ended. In all fairness to Mr. Trotter, on the date of November 11 on a Friday afternoon he did send an email containing several picks that he requested me to post on bohogan.com. At that time he felt that, Chazz Speedman's fast and furious and often times morally sick views of the college football season had run their course and it was time for a professional to step in. I received this email and did not take action. Bohogan lifestyle consultant sr. vice president and manager of gambling operations, Sam Rothstein Jr., received these picks as well. Myself and Sam had a mix up, I was extremely busy that weekend probably entertaining guests, or on a trip out of town or on house arrest, but never the less, I was busy. To be truthful, I can't remember what I did yesterday none the less on November 11, 2009. At any rate, the point of this is to bring full awareness to our online community that Mr. Trotter did submit the following email. "Also, for kicks and giggles, I ran a 10 game $10 parlay. I added that parlay at the end. I don’t have a lock this week, because I don’t feel really, really good about any one game this week. With that said, I do “like” the games in my parlay. $10 Parlay pays out $8,266.08 Indy -1.5 Eagles -3 Houston -23.5 USF – 11.5 UNC +3.5 Arkansas -11.5 Penn St. -3 Texas Tech/OU over 53 Florida/Florida Int. Over 54 Army +2:" As fate would have it, the Don of all Don's, Trotter hit all 10 of these games and pocketed a cool 9k. When we learned of his success, bohogan consultants first action was to obviously congratulate Mr. Trotter and then immediately ask for a loan. I know the natural response of the readership will be that of outrage as in theory, we all missed the chance to hit a ten team parlay. And to that all I can say is, "I bet I can throw this football over that mountain!!!!" Prior to the email on November 11 regarding the picks, Don also submitted an opinion based post around his love/contempt for gambling. One can only assume that after hitting that 10 teamer, gambling is definitely back in love status with Don Trotter. As for Chazz, I'm sure we haven't heard the last from him. I'm too lazy to go back and add up his total record for him and that creepie smoke and drink loving baby but I'm sure it was impressive. Even more importantly, that guy sure brings a strong opinion to balance out that of the Don and the fireworks and verbal sparring are worth the price of admission. The last reason I share with you this totally unsubstantiated, outside of Sam Rothstein Jr. and myself, success story is to stir up the optimism that bohogan followers need to have as the college football bowl season approaches. When general people refer to the holiday season they most probably are referencing the fact that Xmas approaches followed by the unbridled enthusiasm for the new year. bohogan lifestyle consultants call it the holidays because its college football bowl season and its time to get paid. That said, be on the look out for Don Trotters college bowl picks. Happy Holidays (a.k.a Hit a big ass parlay!!!) P.S. I'm also working on a new "Readers Reach Around" post that deals with the mail bag from the contact us link. Hit us up with your bohogan lifestyle comment, question or concern. The Don sounds off... 11/14/2009
 I am here for two reasons; (1) because I was requested to return by a very dear friend of mine and (2) to set the record straight, directing it toward a certain individual, who not only keeps giving weekly lame ass picks, but continues to post falsified information. What has been done for the past several weeks is called “he said, she said” in the world of journalism and no real assessment of the truth has been given. You want the truth? I think you CAN handle the truth, and the truth is that Don Trotter has not given any true picks for three weeks and stating anything otherwise, especially throwing out "5-11" stats, is completely egregious. After being viciously attacked by a 4 yrs old a couple weeks back, The Don posted picks that directly contradicted the picks of another poster, “Chaz”. After that post, I sent a message, via text, to a dear friend of mine, Tom Hammer. The text read, paraphrasing; "Tom, post this email. These are not my picks for the week, rather, just having a little bit of fun. I will send you my true picks later tonight." In regards to the second set of picks from last week, I sent a message, this time via email, to Tom and another dear friend of mine, Sam. The email message read, paraphrasing; "Here are some games to consider." Never did The Don mention that any of those games were true bets that should be made, nor did I instruct the Hammer to post them. I simply sent an email out to a couple of gambler friends of mine on some games I thought looked interesting and if they liked one of the games, take the bet. Last week I sent multiple emails out, once again, to Tom and Sam. Those emails contained winners and one really big winner, my lock; the over in the Purdue/Michigan game. That particular email read: On Fri, Nov 6, 2009 at 11:18 AM, Don <person e-mail removed> wrote: I will probably shoot you guys another email tonight with some of the games I like, but take that OVER 53 for the Michigan/Purdue game. Michigan’s defense is really bad and I can assure you that their offense will score. The last two games may not seem like a high flying offense, but take it from me; they have turned the ball over seven times in the redzone the last two weeks. They will play good at home against Purdue. Plus, it is going to be a great day tomorrow in Ann Arbor; sunny and 60. Purdue’s spread will score at LEAST 21 points, but probably more like 28 or 35.. Look for Michigan to put up 35 or more. Last year this game was 42-48. Emails like that somehow did not find their way to this site, nor did I want them too. The reasoning for my disappearance was simple; to sit back and watch people like Chaz, who think they know the game of football, to fall completely of their face. I haven’t sent picks into this site because people like Chaz will jump off my bandwagon after one bad week, and think they can do better. Well, we’ve seen how that has gone, and to be honest, it’s simply embarrassing. On the other hand, the people who didn’t come out of the wood work pounding their chest like a “Greek God” thinking they know football, just sat back, relaxed and kindly asked me for picks the following weeks. Two weeks ago I had a friend call mine call me at 8:00 a.m. on Saturday morning. He informed me that he had a $1K bankroll and wanted one game. I told him, paraphrasing; "If I had $1K I would put it all on Texas A&M to cover vs. Iowa St." The next day I got a text from him stating, and I quote, "Thank you very much! You da-man!!". This past week, I gave him the over in the Purdue/Mich game & Stanford to cover vs. Oregon. Not only did I get that same text message again, but $100 showed up in the mail for me with a note that read; “Thx for digging me out of the hole from earlier in the year.” So, what does this all mean? Well, in short; I'm fucking good. During Saturday's & Sunday's text messages poor into my phone because true gamblers, needing one game to make their weekends, crave The Don’s advice. I have a greater plethora of clients than you can possibly fathom. People weep for my picks and curse people like Chaz because they don’t have the luxury, the luxury of knowing what I know; that every week people like Chaz will kill your bank roll with 1-4 weeks, while my picks, no matter how grotesque and incomprehensible they may seem, will increases it. People don’t want advice from turds like Chaz. Deep down they want my advice, they need my advice. I use words like parlay, teaser and locks. I use these words as a backbone to win money. People like Chaz uses them as a punch-line. I have neither the time or inclination to explain myself to a person who has to shave his back or has NEVER played a down of true organized football in his entire life. I would rather him just say “thank you” for being 3-1 in my locks on this site and went on his way, otherwise I suggest he stop conjuring up falsified information, stats and complete horseshit so he can make himself feel and look better, even though he is an atrocious 6-9 the last three weeks and doesn’t even give locks, which are the sole of true gambler and what his life relies on. I know more about the game of football than anybody who reads this site. I can tell you where the hot route is on a specific blitz, what play the quarterback should check to, where he should go with the ball and what linebacker the running-back is responsible for. I can tell you what the field side corners responsibility is if number one runs a vertical in quarters coverage. I can tell you how many drop steps a quarterback should take on every given route and how many gather and hitch steps. If you want to know what the progression reads are on the strong safety and sam backer on a y-stick h-flat 65, I can tell you. If you want to know where the weakness is in a two-deep zone vs. an empty set, I can tell you. I can tell you who the Y should pick on a rub route out of a trips set on a 99 sprint option right. Basically, if you want to know football, just ask me. If you want your bankroll to be higher off my overall 6-1 locks, then listen to me. On the other hand, if you want loser picks, like Michigan to beat Illinois or completely comical information like, “Beaver Stadium is the most intimidating atmosphere in college football” when they are 0-2 at home vs. non Akron and Syracuse teams, then ask somebody else. I will give my picks again this week. Tak’em if you like’em. If you don’t, that’s cool too. Stay tuned. Don Trotter returns to Leroy's Lounge! 11/13/2009
 I'm going to offer up a little something different this week. Feel free to play along. And as always, these are just my picks. If you like'm, take'em, if not, that's cool too. I am going to run a 6 game, 7pt teaser, laying $100 which pays out $500. My last pick is the one I feel pretty confident about. Overall this year, some posted on this site and some not, I am 6-1 on my locks. Notre Dame +7 vs. Pitt. Put the 7 on ND and take it to 14 Notre Dame has been in every single game they have played and their three losses have all come on last second plays. Their biggest margin of defeat was 7 to USC. Last week, they turned the ball over three times in the red-zone, one on the 1 yard line, and they also missed two field goals. If they don’t self destruct they easily beat Navy and I think the line this game is more like 2 than 7. I like ND to cover 14 points against a Pitt team that has played close games against average teams like Rutgers and UConn. I have watched this Pitt team multiple times and aside from their freshman running-back, who is pretty solid, I think this team is a bit overrated. Notre Dame will be the best offense they have played to date and with Casey Clausen throwing to Tate and Flyod, no matter how many points Pitt can score, I think that offense can match. ND may not pull out the victory, but I am betting on the trend of that they have shown in every single game this year, keep it close until the last seconds of the game. OSU -16.5 vs. Iowa Put the 7 on OSU and take it to 9 ½ I know, I know, TP sucks. I realize this. But the Sweater finally got his head out of his ass last week and finally called plays that suit the kid, which is safe percentage passes to their playmakers like Posey. However, even if Pryor regresses again, it won't make a difference in this game. Iowa's back-up QB is in for a world of hurt and will be like a deer in head lights after the second snap. OSU’s defense has been playing great all year and they will feast on this new kid. To make matters worse, Iowa doesn't have a run game, down to their 3rd string running back. With the Big Ten championship on the line and the a Rose Bowl birth in sight, I think a pretty easy win maybe in store for the Yuckeyes. I don’t like the 16.5 but I sure do like them by 10 or a couple scores. I am counting on a couple turnovers and maybe even a special teams score by Ray Small. Georgia Tech -12.5 vs. Duke Take Tech and bring it down to 5 ½ I have always loved betting on teams that run the triple option. I have won some good money on both Tech and Navy this year. Although Tech played a below average Wake Forest team close last week in an overtime win, that may serve as a little wakeup to not overlook anybody on their schedule. Duke on the other hand, although much better than years past, hasn’t played top opponents well, with losses to both Va. Tech and North Carolina. I usually stay away from betting against dogs playing at home, but Tech has a 4-0 record on the road this year. I like Nesbitt and Dwyer run for more than a 6 point victory. Arkansas -13.5 vs. Troy Take the 7 on Arkansas, take it down to 6 ½ I have taken Arkansas a lot this year and out of their last 7 games, they have covered for me 6 times. I have taken them as favorites and underdogs. Ryan Mallett and that offense can flat out score some points. Typically I am a little wary of games like this, a non-conference opponent late in the season, however Arkansas isn't coming off a huge win against a big rival and they don't have a real big game after this one, so I see no real reason for them to overlook Troy. They are playing at home, where they have only lost one game in a shoot out vs. Georgia. Troy is a team who got spanked 56-7 by Florida, a team Arkansas dam near beat. Even though Troy has won seven straight games, those games have been against teams like Middle Tenn St, Western Kentucky and North Texas. If Troy doesn't play a cake schedule, this spread may be in the 20's. I like Arkansas to play this game like and SEC game and come out with a pretty big win. They just put up 33 points on a very talented South Carolina defense at home and I see no reason they can't do that against a team from the Sun Belt Conference. New England +3 vs. Indy Put the 7 on NE and take it to 10 I don't know who will win but I would be shocked if NE gets beat by more than 10 points. I am not a huge stats guy, but over the past three years, when Tom Brady is the starting quarterback for the New England Patriots, they have lost 1 game by more than 10 points. Indy is hurting defensively, with both Marlin Jackson and Bob Sanders out. NE can and will score with Indy, who hasn't exactly been lighting the world on fire offensively, with San Francisco and Houston both leading in the fourth quarter the last two games. I always tell Hammer and Sam that I never bet against Peyton Manning or Tom Brady because they can change the game in a blink of an eye. With both teams playing each other though, all bets are off on that statement. I am going with my gut on this, and 10 points is just too much to pass on. If any team in the NFL is not intimidated by playing in Indianapolis vs. Peyton Manning it’s Tom Brady, Bill Bel-a-cheat and the New England Patriots. Pittsburg -7 vs. Cincinnati Put the 7 on the Steelers and take it down to a pick’em The Steelers may have played the best defensive football I have seen all year with their second half performance in Denver last week. Right now, defensively I don’t know if there is anybody better in the NFL. Their offense is producing big chunks of yards, both through the air and the ground. Mendenhall looks great, Big Ben looks great and their receivers; Holmes, Ward and the speed killer Wallace are doing a great job with yac. I know the Bengals are playing good football behind a new running game with C. Benson, but I don’t see them rolling into steel town to pull this one out. The Bengals may have pulled out some late game heroics in their first meeting, but Troy Polamalu was not playing in that game, which makes a huge difference (just ask Denver). I think the Steelers payback their rival and win this game. LOCK: Miami -10 vs. Tampa Bay Miami has played every team on their schedule extremely tough this year, including very good teams like Indy, New England and New Orleans. I really like betting on teams that are consistent and the Miami is exactly that. They don’t overlook their opponents, are stingy as hell defensively and nobody has been able to stop their running game. The rookie Josh Freeman played last week for Tampa and got a pass because nobody had film on him. Coach Tony Sparano may be one of the most underrated coaches in the league and will pressure the new kid relentlessly. He will study that film and understand what the kids strengths and weaknesses are. Miami pounds everybody in the league with their run, and have plowed over teams like the Jets, who own the best defense in the league statistically. Tampa is at the bottom of the league in all areas across the board both offensively and defensively. Tampa Bay will get very tired, very fast trying to stop that run game Miami will throw at them. Plus, don’t be surprised if Tedd Ginn doesn’t play a big part in special teams. I would be very surprised if Miami doesn't win this game by 14 or more.  The Midwestern United States mornings are turning colder; frost has set in, the crops are being harvested, and hundreds of whitetail deer are being trucked on the asphalt everyday. Rural Ohio is f*cking sweet!!!!!!! As a guy in the midst of a marital break up I constantly look to Speedman and Trotter’s picks as a small bright spot in my otherwise dismal existence. Not only are these guys genius (LMFAO) handicappers, but they are proven lifestyle consultants. A guy in my position…….you know………nearing middle age, ending a dysfunctional relationship, looking for a hot broad to “beat cakes” with, and trying to dodge the stigma of degenerate loser needs the humor laced excitement that Hogan’s top Cappers can offer. I remember the first time I spied Don Trotter. State hoops tournament in a drunken state. The guy has a neck that looks like a graphic relief map of Tibet. I could stop staring at him as he ranted about the many merits of Ann Arbor’s Jr. Pop Warner football squad. This guy’s intensity made Stripes Seargent Hulka and The Great Santini’s Lt. Col. “Bull” Meechum seem like she-male submissive trannys looking to get probed in the rusty sheriff’s badge. I had more lifestyle training from Speedman. I consider the guy a friend. I’m a protégé to his mastery. I hope I make you proud, Mr. Clean! This guy has intensity too, but I think his is brilliantly thought out and calculated. He and I cut up Key West like Escobar began cutting up the Columbian Bam-Bam. Chazz loves action. He is passionate about bookmaking like he is about whores. Sure he goes through stretches when he loves the gothic minxes, but who doesn’t……………Dark clothing, horrible looking make-up, abhorrent piercings, and the worst looking Dr. F*cking Martens on Earth. I get it, afterall tail = tail! Again, as a fellow with Midwestern ties I find myself gravitating towards Big 10 football. I can’t stay away from Notre Dame or Kansas either? Have you seen their respective coaches, “ A Wimp and a Blimp”….props to you Babs Jansen (Animal House in Reference to Flounder and Pinto). Finally, I have to illustrate the beauty that is Appalachia. Speedman says: These are 5 games I assure you none of you will watch. Alright C*NTS, lets get to these picks: University of Michigan @ University of Wisconsin -8.5 Wisconsin may have the biggest corn fed boys in all of the FBS. Einstein like Dick-Rod decided to go with a heavier conditioning routine in an attempt to increase speed and agility. Have you seen the UM defense? Think of Jody Foster vs. a posse of ruffians in a dimly lit honky tonk………If you are envisioning her chasis bent over a (really cool) vintage pinball machine having all dignity removed stroke by stroke………..we are on the same page. UM will get slapped around in this one too. Take “Jump Around”, the rowdy band, and all the drunks in Camp Randall in this match up. Um falls to 5-6 and being a “Michigan Man” is about as special as being voted to be the next actor in a snuff film. Speedman is supportive in this pick. I mean, the guy drinks Fiji bottled water. Don’t bet against a man at such a lofty social status! Speedman says: A $3.00 bottle of water shows that I enjoy the finer things in life, such as Budweiser in Cans, Jagerbombs, Cheese Curds and girls who are solid 4’s & 5’s. I’ve been to Camp Randle, it’s nice, especially all the 3’s and 4’s. I agree Wisconsin and the points. Notre Dame @ Pittsburgh Hey ND and Northern Indiana in general: Stick to making top quality mobile homes and fifth wheels because your football team SUCKS!!!!!!! F*cking Purdue has bigger wins this year than You do. Oh, but the mystique, the tradition, the four horsemen….blah, blah, blah. University of Pittsburgh is favored by a touchdown and is a lead pipe lock. Dion Lewis is a 5’8” Freshman running back for the Panthers. He’ll get loose like Charlie Weis does at Thornton Melon’s Tall & Fat stores and will run roughshod through the Irish defense. He is half the size of Chuckles Weiss and as elusive too. Picture this………Weis is smuggling his third Primanti Brothers Panini of the night into bed. His old lady comes in and in a panic Chuck decides to hide it under one of his many folds. Dion Lewis will hide behind Pitt’s large OL and then dash to the end zone. Bill Stull should have his way with the molasses slow DB’s of the ND secondary too. Dave “push-broom” Wannstedt makes Pitt fans love him more deeply after the Panthers molest the Irish in front of a National television audience on ABC. Hey Speedman, I love the way the Flozell collection has worked out for Charlie. The GUNT series was perfect for him just as it was for the original Chazz B. Speedman says: Flozell Adams created a clothing line for men over 500 lbs. Mangino and Weis are the picture of perfect health and fitness in America. What must the parents of their recruits think when these two mounds of lard walk in? I know what I’d be thinking, hide the pork reins. Wannstedt has the ultimate push-broom duster. His facial hair is third behind D-backs pitcher Clay Zavada and Oklahoma QB Landry Jones. If Jimmy the Greek were alive to talk about race relations and Pitt football I think he would say something similar to: “I like Pitt and Wannstedt’s caterpillar mustache to cover the spread 31-17.” RIP Jimmy... University of Nebraska (-4) @ Kansas University Mark Mangino has an appetite…..not exactly breaking news, I know. This guy makes Ralph Friedgen and Tom Amstutz look as diminutive as the Kenyan marathon team. The Basketball and Football teams are feuding on the Lawrence, Kansas campus while Mangino is hammering all the game footage and KC BBQ his boiler can handle. Hopefully everything in the film room is covered in gore-tex as I bet this guy sweats in bucket-fuls as he gnashes. Bo Pelini better hope Mark does not get the itch to chow during the post game handshake because I like Mangino in that match up. Nebraska is coming off a tough win vs. OU last week. I think they come in flat vs. the Fighting Fat F*cks. KU takes advantage of a mediocre effort and wins against the once vaunted “blackshirts” defensive unit. Not even dressing like Wiliam Belicheck and his other disciples (Weiss and McDaniel) will help the Big Red. Fat jokes aside, Man-gina is the owner of a great offensive mind. I believe he uses it to keep the Nebraska D off balance while allowing his own O to light up the scoreboard. Speedman says: A few years I invented a drinking game called Mangino. The rules are quite simple: Put on a Kansas Football game, every time you see Mangino you drink. The cameramen can’t get enough of this progressive eater. His enormous stature and gator arms are something to behold. I got hammered the night I came up with the concept, called a girl a C U Next Tuesday at the bar, threatened to fight her boyfriend (and possibly the girl…), took my shirt off, drove to Giant Eagle and gave my neighbors a yard job. With that said I’m going with the Huskers to cover 28-21. Sparty (-2.5) vs. Boilermakers Rossade Stadium is the home to a “pick ‘em match up, in my opinion. I can’t figure out either of these teams. Based on the line, I don’t even know if Jimmy “the Greek” Snyder would touch this one. F*ck it……..I roll with Trotter and Speedman. I’m confident in my picks because I base them on my wack ass thoughts. Honestly, I cannot type a sentence without thinking about golf or internet porn. I have the attention span of a four year old ADHD suffered tethered to a Ritalin Salt lick. Dantonio is the head coach of a Jekyll and Hyde team every goddamn Autumn. They kick ass and get their asses kicked. Purdue isn’t a lot different. They lose to NW and then handle Ohio State and their over-f*cking-rated quarterback for sixty minutes. I believe that Purdue does MSU like they did Richard Rodriguez’s cream puffs last week……Deep forced anal. A train isn’t scary, well maybe it is too some women, perhaps we should stick with the “Choo Choo” mascot variety, but a loss to Purdue should be if you’re a Spartan fan. I really like them at home vs. MSU Speedman Says: If you thought this was the worst game on the slate for Saturday, think again. (see below) Joey Elliott looks like Drew Brees one game and Drew Bledsoe the next. Danny Hope looks like a cop, I hate cops. Trotter hates cops, he really hates cops. I saw Trotter get taken down by the fuzz twice. I’ll let him tell the story. Dantonio is wearing out his welcome in Lansing b/c his team sucks. I like Purdue to go “Greek” on Sparty by a score 24-17. University of Kentucky (-3) vs. Vanderbilt I have family in Lexington. I’ve had some great times in the Commonwealth as well. Their football team is a perennial doormat in the SEC, but I think they can get over on Vandy. Vanderbilt University holds Ivy league type academic status in the SEC, but sadly their athletes cannot compete with graphing calculators or scanning electron microscopes on the gridiron. Rich Brooks is about as ragged out as Annabel Chong was after she established her 251 man gang bang record. My old roommate still has that Hustler…..Circa 1995 I believe. Brooks is still capable of leading the “Cats past the Commodores though. I bet the tailgating at this annual match up is sweet. Rhodents, vermin, and trash can raiding critters are cooked over an open fire. Fiddles and banjoes are strummed and harmonica groups play through toothless smiles. Grain alcohol is sucked down with the voracity a 10 hundred Indians! The Hatfields and McCoys get together once a year and this ain’t the crowd that is rocking porcelain veneers, cosmetically enhanced sweater puppets, or designer gear. You can be a fan for any team in Appalachia as long as you’re sporting your hunting gear including blaze orange and Mossy Oak/Real Tree Camouflage. This game is like homecoming for the “dentally and chromosomally challenged”. I’d love to see a 4 team playoff every year during Deer season for the Hill-Jack Cup. West Virginia, Tennessee, Kentucky, and Vanderbilt would be the only participants. I’m not sure what part of the Appalachian Mountain foothills Ned Beatty was corn-holed in, but Appalachian people are, well…….interesting. Hillbillies know how to party and Vanderbilt knows how to lose. Take UK to beat the Commodores on Saturday. Speedman says: I love Joker Phillips. Any human that you meet named Joker is easily the coolest guy in the room. Unfortunately for Joker, Rich Brooks is still the head coach. Can anyone name a player on Vanderbilt’s team? That’s what I thought. Kentucky wins 4-0 and those in attendance have their eyes scooped out with a spoon. Bo Hogan followers, I hope you have enjoyed my initial foray into the college football picks. Thanks again to Masters Speedman and Trotter. Reading your offerings this year has inspired a douchebag like me to attempt putting my pen to paper. Yours Truly, Howie Feldersnatch Faber College 1996  When people ask me to describe myself I typically respond with same honest and candid answer: I’m the hero and villain. I play both sides against each other. I debate myself constantly. I’m articulate yet crude, vain yet self loathing. I’m proud and indolent at the same time. In other words, I am the most interesting man in the world. Not some jackass drinking a Dos Equis in a canoe surrounded by 2 eastern bloc hookers. Try drinking Absinthe at a strip club in Canada for $25 a shot. Then get fleeced for 50 bucks by a couple of Mounties after you punch a drunken pig’s mini-van for almost running you over. Who’s interesting mother f***ker, I am.So let’s recap last week’s games. Yours truly went 2-3. Not up to my usual standards but like I said before I hate gambling on Halloween. Michigan loses to badly to one of the worst teams in America. The worst team in college football, Miami of Ohio, wins. Then Tennessee shows up wearing black jerseys. South Carolina fumbles on their first 2 possessions inside the 20 and win. If there is a lesson to be learned it is do not gamble on Halloween. Just ask Don Trotter who went 3-7. If you’re keeping score, I know I am, Don is 5-11 over the past two weeks. I’ve heard Don has been watching “The Deer Hunter” a lot lately and might be on his way to ‘Nam. That brings me to another installment of how can I make you rich without working. Commit these lyrics to memory this weekend, “I’m on a boat and it’s going fast and I got a nautical themed Pashmina Afghan, I’m the king of the world, on a boat like Leo, if you’re on the shore, then you’re sure not me, oh, get the f**k up, this boat is real.” Houston vs Tulsa (-1.5) Last week Case Keenum threw for 551 yards and covered the spread with a last second touchdown over Southern Miss. That brought a smile to face as well as my bank account. This week Las Vegas hates the Cougars. I have a friend who hates a certain Cougar. It’s his future ex-mother in law. His younger brother banged her silly. I apologize for the rant. Houston wins this game by 7 and so do you. After this victory I’d suggest hitting your local 40’s plus bar such as Polo’s on Bethel Ave for a Cougarific time. New Mexico vs Utah (-.27.5) First off, I hate Mormon’s. A religion that gives out magic underwear is questionable. New Mexico is very bad and Utah might be one of the better one loss teams in the country. Let’s not forget they knocked off Alabama last year in the Sugar Bowl. Utah has made a switch at QB which makes me a little leery. But this is called gambling for a reason. Joe Pesci says, “the two Utes.” I don’t know what the hell that means but I like it. Utah wins with their magic panties 41-0. Illinois vs Minnesota (-6.5) The Minnesota Golden Gophers, who can figure this team out? Illinois and “Fat Head” Juice Williams decide to play their best game of the year against Michigan last week. Minnesota is one win away from being bowl eligible. They have motivation, a new stadium and terrible uniforms. If you decide to invest 3 hours and actually watch this game you better do copious amounts of Special K. For those of you not into the “scene” it’s Ketamine. I dated a girl once who used Special K; she’s probably dead by now or she’s staring at a ceiling fan. Any who bet the Gophers to win 23-10. Florida State vs Clemson (-8.5) World famous gum chewer/defensive coordinator Mickey Andrews is calling it quits. He’s coached 18 first round draft picks, including Deion Sanders. Deion once told an automobile body shop that instead of paying $4265.57 thatJesus told him to only pay $1500, true story. The case went to court and Deion won. Who knew Jesus was an insurance adjuster? Clemson has CJ Spiller, he’s fast, and head coach Dabo Sweeney. Dabo is a big league turd. I think Clemson wins but its close and close means FSU Covers. Go with God…and the Seminoles. Penn State vs Ohio State (+3.5) I hate picking for teams I root for. As if my involvement in the game needs to be heightened with a grand or two riding on the outcome. The shear enjoyment of my team winning should be enough. However we live in capitalist society where money means everything and Firefly is 5.50 a glass. I’ve studied this game long and hard, much like Peter North’s ability to shoot a jizz rope out of his pee hole. Beaver (Beavis and Butthead laugh) Stadium is the most intimidating atmosphere in college football. Terrelle Pryor throws like Lamar Latrell from Revenge of the Nerds fame. Pryor spent his off-season at “Jail House Tats,” refining his street cred. That alone will catapult you into the first round of the draft. “The hell with mechanics or footwork, I got a T and a P on my triceps.” The brotha makes this white boy Oprah Rich with 3 turnovers; PSU wins 27-6. Leroys Lounge: Chazz Speedman....Woooooo!!!! 10/30/2009
 Welcome to another installment of Leroy's Lounge where two of our top prognosticators have been battling it out for lead guru supremacy. And in the words of Kenny F'ing Powers, "Whatever it takes to set up a bet off......set that sh*t up!!!!" First from Chazz sent to Tom Hammer in back to back to back to back to back text messages from a stolen iphone!! I’m a limousine ridin’, jet flyin’, kiss stealin’, wheelin’ dealin’ son of a gun. WOOOOO!” The little guy kept repeating this to various strippers throughout the night after going 3-2 last Saturday with big dollars on BC to cover and the over on USC. Who knew the kid loved Red Bull? As Kiki and Annabelle performed various stripper tricks for us to celebrate our winnings my heart went out to those of you who followed Don Trotter’s less than stellar gambling advice. I respect the guy, really I do. (Not everyone can play DIII college football.) As the night went on, I had what some would call a moment of clarity, it was either that or the fact that I drank 25 Red Bull Vodka’s and ripped down 45 cigarettes for the super buzz. (Key West in the House) (Ed. note: bohogan.com cannot confirm the origins of the super buzz but we've left a voice mail with "birdman" Anderson to confirm) I shouldn’t chastise Don and his Jim Jones like followers, Scottie McMullen (who?), for believing in a man who, I personally witnessed, knocked a guy out with one punch outside of a Dublin Bar. (The victim subsequently pissed himself…no joke!) With that said, I’m truly not a fan of gambling on Halloween, too many distractions for the players. If you’re Tim Tebow, and you are playing at the world’s largest outdoor cocktail party, and every girl between 18 and 24 is dressed like slutty nurse, you could lose focus during a 3 hour game. I’m not a big excuses guy so let’s get to it. South Carolina (+5.5) at Tennessee This line makes me feel odd; similar to how I felt the first time I watched hot Brazilian Tranny porn. Yes Lane Kiffin is stuffing UT co-ed’s at an alarming rate, I have no proof, but come on right… UT has played Florida and Alabama close but they still got beat. Jonathon Crumpton sucks…enough said. I like the Ol’ Ball Coach and their defense which could give Florida a scare when they play in Columbia in a few weeks. Trannys and Cocks go hand in hand, pun intended, take the Cocks to explode all over UT with the 5.5. (Ed. Note: We may have to add an over 18 consent page before entering bohogan.com) Pick: SC and the points. Georgia Tech (-11.5) at Vanderbilt Is there anything more exciting than watching Tech run on every down? The answer is yes. But what can you say. Paul Johnson has the boys at Tech running an offense that’s older than Joe Pa and they’ve been waxing their opponents. Other than Jay Cutler, Corey Chavous and Hunter Hilenmeyer name 3 more Vanderbilt players in the NFL. Vanderbilt has exactly 5 players in the Hall of Fame, the last one played in 1937. The Rambling Wreck takes a dump on the smart kids from Nashville and cover the 11.5. Pick: Ga Tech -11.5 Michigan (-7) at Illinois Juice Williams…what happened. Everyone loved this kid after his sophomore year and now he’s pathetic. Here are some Juice Williams fun facts: he was a 15 lb baby and his head is currently the largest in NCAA history. (Ed. Note: That stat only reflects players, if coaches were included that obviously go to Charlie Weiss) That’s probably why he locks in on one receiver, his head weighs too much. Tate Forcier continues to play unimpressive football and the strength of his arm has been compared to most 4th grade girls. Rich Rod will have his boys focused with a solid ground game and numerous NCAA violations forthcoming; Illinois is bad and UM covers the 7. Pick: UM give the points. Toledo (-5.5) at Miami OH Miami is 0 for the season. They are not good. In fact they are absolutely pathetic. Toledo has bounced back nicely after getting murdered by the greatest OSU quarterback in history, Terrelle Pryor. How good is this Pryor? He’s demonstrated his greatness by throwing off his back foot, holding the ball like a glass bong and decision making…don’t even get me started. Where is my Heisman ballot? Someone let me know when this turd actually beats a team worth a damn. Back to Toledo and Miami: Toledo wins simply because the Miami players will be pre-occupied thinking about when the new JCrew catalog will be arriving. “Cattle prod the oyster ditch, with lap rocket,” therfore Toledo covers 5.5. Pick: Toledo givin up the points. Southern Miss at Houston (-6.5) How good are the Houston Cougars? No one really knows. They play in Conference USA which is the equivalent to a flag football league. I like Cougars, who doesn’t? How many times do you think the announcers will mention Brett Favre’s name during the broadcast? I hate Brett Favre and was ecstatic to see him get beat last Sunday by the Super Bowl Champion Pittsburgh Steelers. Last week Don made a reference to Steelers fans being fat, bald with hairy backs. I’d like to respond by saying as a Steeler fan, I have the body of a Greek God and my back is hairless. I shave my head and arm pits because it keeps me more aerodynamic when I fight. I can take danger. Houston makes the Eagles scream for mercy and cover the 6.5. Pick: Houston lay the points Now for Don, picks sent to Hammer by carrier pigeon. Hey Tom, here's some picks to consider. Don't post these picks to the internet god dammit it's bad luck!!!! South Carolina vs. Tennessee Under 41.5 Arkansas -37 vs. E. Michigan Kentucky -3.5 vs. Miss. St Boston College -5.5 vs. C. Michigan Texas Tech -6.5 vs. Kansas Texas A&M - 6 vs. Iowa St Houston -6.5 vs. Southern Mississippi Mississippi -3.5 vs. Auburn Ohio -6.5 vs. Ball St. Michigan St. -3.5 vs. Minnesota New Mexico St +44 vs. OSU Indiana +17.5 vs. Iowa | Tom Hammer
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